Having a newborn means never being certain of anything. She can't talk, and at two weeks old, she's not even developed enough to know how to cry properly to convey her needs. Having a newborn also means having an intense desire to comfort and care for the baby. These two things lead me directly to the internet for information of all sorts. Unfortunately, information of all sorts is exactly what I find.
Websites prey on the constant fear that is being a parent and try to use it to sell you things. They know that people will search around for any info on even the most innocuous things, so they will have content on everything imaginable, and they will say just about anything.
The other day I was looking around both for general knowledge-gaining purposes and because little Lula was not easily comforted and stayed up through most of a whole night. I stumbled upon an article on a big baby/pregnancy info site that seemed to promise helpfulness: "Twelve reasons babies cry and how to soothe them." I already knew about the main reasons for crying: hunger, tiredness, dirty diaper, and too hot/cold, but I sure didn't know twelve reasons, so I took a look.
Turns out this article is a classic example of an article seeming to contain helpful info but in fact being nothing but mere words and sentences arranged so as to give the impression of information. I think the article only exists to generate page clicks and provide a space for their advertisers. Of the twelve reasons, one was "Tummy trouble." This in addition to two covering hunger and needing to burp. The #8 reason that babies cry is, apparently, "Something small." Seriously, that is the heading for section #8.
But it gets better. Numbers 10 and 11 are, respectively, "Wants less stimulation" and "Wants more stimulation." Beautiful. Let me get this straight: I'm a concerned parent, trying to understand why my baby is crying. This helpful piece of literature is telling that it could either be too much or too little of the exact same thing. They're thorough, at least.
The best of the bunch though surely has to be #12. After wading through 10 and 11, how about coming to the big finish of the why babies cry article and finding that it is titled "Not feeling well"? The first line of this section is: "If you've met your baby's basic needs and comforted him and he's still crying, he could be coming down with something."
Brilliant. I think that kind of scientific breakthrough might be worthy of a Nobel prize. Really, it makes you wonder why the list had twelve reasons, when their final one is good enough to render all the others unneeded. Why do babies cry? Because they are not feeling well. Of course, that solves everything.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
How Ya Sleepin?
Here is a weird admission for you: yesterday, briefly, I looked at my baby girl not as a simple adorable and helpless little human being, but as something else. I saw her as a reason for me being awake when I didn't want to.
I don't need to tell you this is not a good thing. Children do not always behave perfectly. As they age they do all manner of regrettable things. It's my job as a father to take the broader view and always continue to support and encourage her to do the right thing and to do the best she can. In this case, "the best she can" is essentially zero since she's not even two weeks old.
I realized my error pretty quickly and felt the appropriate amount of internal remorse, but I thought this was a good thing to highlight because there will be infinitely more instances just like it, and I hope to view her fully as a (tiny) person when they happen, and not simply as a vehicle to whatever annoyance or discomfort she is causing me.
Shifting gears, I'd like to say some more about sleep. Sleep, or my daily status with it, is far and away the number one topic for people when conversing with me. It's the first thing anyone mentions when finding out I've recently become a parent. It's even the first thing people talk about who see me regularly, like they need to have their constant updates. The subject's ubiquity has gotten so that I despise talking about it now. I remember the summer after graduating high school the first and often only thing anyone ever said to me was to ask about how I was excited to go off to college. Then last summer after getting married, every single person felt the need to generically ask how was married life. These questions are all in the same family as "So, what do you do?" The asker doesn't care the answer, he only asks because it lets him put a checkmark on his invisible social norms list.
The other thing about these constant sleep queries is the implicit assumption that my life has been turned upside down and that I'm walking around in some catatonic state of sleeplessness. Interestingly, it's the same for both former parents and the wholly uninitiated. Apparently, there is something in our culture that causes "new parent" to irrefutably equal "not getting enough sleep."
After first acknowledging that every situation is unique, let me shine a little light on this bit of accepted doctrine. New parents* do in fact sleep, and often several hours in one night. We of course average fewer hours post-baby than we did pre-baby, but I'm pretty sure for most parents the difference is much smaller than consensus would have you believe. I touched on this already, but the problem is really the inconsistency of the sleep. You might get only a couple hours one night or your six total hours might be split up into 4 or 5 segments of differing length. You might fall asleep at 9pm and wake at 1am, then only get 45 more minutes the rest of the night. Indeed, this can wear on you, but the important thing is that it's manageable. It's not like any of this ever comes as a surprise to a new parent: you have at least 8 or 9 months to get mentally prepared. And you adapt, because you have human instincts. Sara and I now can quickly recognize a window of sleeping opportunity and will pounce on it, even if it's still daylight outside or if it means sneaking in 45 minutes sitting upright on the couch in the room with no air conditioning.
The other key ingredient is that you are a new parent. This is an absurdly exciting time in your life. You are full of endorphins. In fact, you actually enjoy being awake at 3:30am because it means that you are at least looking at but more probably actually holding your baby child, which is really what it's all about. Whatever parenthood takes away from you, it gives back in another way, enough to more than compensate.
Think about it this way, in which scenario would your overall being be more "up": when you are getting a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep every day and doing basically the same thing in your life that you always have; or getting an interrupted and irregular 4 hours of sleep but you've also got a tiny beautiful baby at which you sare constantly involuntarily smiling?
Am I tired? In the traditional sense, yes I guess maybe I am. But I've also got such a huge infusion of energy and general happiness that the question seems hardly relevant.
*Assume all of this discussion is concerning only dual-parent households. I really have no idea how single parents would manage at the beginning of a baby's life.
I don't need to tell you this is not a good thing. Children do not always behave perfectly. As they age they do all manner of regrettable things. It's my job as a father to take the broader view and always continue to support and encourage her to do the right thing and to do the best she can. In this case, "the best she can" is essentially zero since she's not even two weeks old.
I realized my error pretty quickly and felt the appropriate amount of internal remorse, but I thought this was a good thing to highlight because there will be infinitely more instances just like it, and I hope to view her fully as a (tiny) person when they happen, and not simply as a vehicle to whatever annoyance or discomfort she is causing me.
Shifting gears, I'd like to say some more about sleep. Sleep, or my daily status with it, is far and away the number one topic for people when conversing with me. It's the first thing anyone mentions when finding out I've recently become a parent. It's even the first thing people talk about who see me regularly, like they need to have their constant updates. The subject's ubiquity has gotten so that I despise talking about it now. I remember the summer after graduating high school the first and often only thing anyone ever said to me was to ask about how I was excited to go off to college. Then last summer after getting married, every single person felt the need to generically ask how was married life. These questions are all in the same family as "So, what do you do?" The asker doesn't care the answer, he only asks because it lets him put a checkmark on his invisible social norms list.
The other thing about these constant sleep queries is the implicit assumption that my life has been turned upside down and that I'm walking around in some catatonic state of sleeplessness. Interestingly, it's the same for both former parents and the wholly uninitiated. Apparently, there is something in our culture that causes "new parent" to irrefutably equal "not getting enough sleep."
After first acknowledging that every situation is unique, let me shine a little light on this bit of accepted doctrine. New parents* do in fact sleep, and often several hours in one night. We of course average fewer hours post-baby than we did pre-baby, but I'm pretty sure for most parents the difference is much smaller than consensus would have you believe. I touched on this already, but the problem is really the inconsistency of the sleep. You might get only a couple hours one night or your six total hours might be split up into 4 or 5 segments of differing length. You might fall asleep at 9pm and wake at 1am, then only get 45 more minutes the rest of the night. Indeed, this can wear on you, but the important thing is that it's manageable. It's not like any of this ever comes as a surprise to a new parent: you have at least 8 or 9 months to get mentally prepared. And you adapt, because you have human instincts. Sara and I now can quickly recognize a window of sleeping opportunity and will pounce on it, even if it's still daylight outside or if it means sneaking in 45 minutes sitting upright on the couch in the room with no air conditioning.
The other key ingredient is that you are a new parent. This is an absurdly exciting time in your life. You are full of endorphins. In fact, you actually enjoy being awake at 3:30am because it means that you are at least looking at but more probably actually holding your baby child, which is really what it's all about. Whatever parenthood takes away from you, it gives back in another way, enough to more than compensate.
Think about it this way, in which scenario would your overall being be more "up": when you are getting a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep every day and doing basically the same thing in your life that you always have; or getting an interrupted and irregular 4 hours of sleep but you've also got a tiny beautiful baby at which you sare constantly involuntarily smiling?
Am I tired? In the traditional sense, yes I guess maybe I am. But I've also got such a huge infusion of energy and general happiness that the question seems hardly relevant.
*Assume all of this discussion is concerning only dual-parent households. I really have no idea how single parents would manage at the beginning of a baby's life.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Midseason Baseball Update
I hope that you will excuse that these are a couple days late (something about priorities), but I've completed my All-Star Break ratings update, this time with a full end-of-season projection. A couple weeks ago, I added a section to my spreadsheet so that it automatically spits out rest-of-season wins for each team. All I do is add those to the actual standings and I've got easy projections.
Anyway, here first is the American League. First column is the full season rating, second column is the rating weighted for recent performance (I've found this to be more accurate for future projection and so it's bolded), and the third column is the projected full season win total.
Next are the projected final standings with only the "games back" listing. Rounded to the nearest full game, of course.
Mostly straightforward here. You might notice how much Texas benefits from the weighting. Their schedule has been pretty weak lately but they have taken full advantage and Vegas has been happy to give them their due. If anything, the six-game cushion I'm predicting is too low since it doesn't know they added Cliff Lee.
The other interesting thing is the predicted three-way tie in the Central. Vegas still likes Minnesota, even though they are the laggards in the real standings. For what it's worth, I think I agree with them, as their rotation is fairly solid top-to-bottom, though Morneau being out for a long stretch might be enough to kill them in a tight race. Chicago has been one team that's mystified me all year. They look mediocre at best and yet Vegas has held out hope all year until finally the last few weeks they caught fire to validate the respect (that's why you trust the numbers over your own instincts every day of the week). None of the three teams is all that good, evidenced by the fact that any of them would be fifth in the East.
National League
Projected Standings
From my perspective, much more interesting here. If you'll allow me, I have to say that these ratings have been extremely prophetic so far this season. They correctly predicted the rise of Atlanta, Texas, and the White Sox. If someone had been selling shares of those teams, I could have bought them at low prices in the past couple months and them sold them right now at huge profits. Alas.
I mention this because if my numbers are to be trusted there are some changes coming in the NL standings. Cincinnati, holding a small lead, is expected to finish three game up (though with the big caveat that the Cardinals have had some curiously weak lines lately, meaning that Vegas may be about to abandon ship on their league favorite). Similarly, it took a very long time, but it looks like Vegas finally believes in the Reds as at least a worthy pennant race participant. That's nothing compared to the tightest division in baseball, the NL West. All season, San Diego has been leading the pack. All season, Vegas has considered them pretenders. Finally, enough of the season has been completed so that the difference between results and expectations is close enough to expect the Padres to stay in the race right until the end. They have the misfortune of competing against two teams Vegas likes to make a second-half run, though, in LA and Colorado. The Dodgers especially should be a feared team, coming in with a weighted rating a full 40 points higher than San Diego.
Finally, Philadelphia is currently two back in the Wild Card standings, but are favored to win it. Adding in the Mets and Giants, and more than half the NL projects within three games of the playoffs.
Anyway, here first is the American League. First column is the full season rating, second column is the rating weighted for recent performance (I've found this to be more accurate for future projection and so it's bolded), and the third column is the projected full season win total.
| Rating | Weighted | Season Wins | |
| Yankees | .618 | .617 | 101.4 |
| Rays | .577 | .580 | 95.7 |
| Red Sox | .570 | .566 | 91.9 |
| Rangers | .539 | .558 | 89.9 |
| Twins | .538 | .537 | 86.6 |
| Angels | .523 | .527 | 84.1 |
| Tigers | .512 | .523 | 87.5 |
| White Sox | .513 | .514 | 87.4 |
| Athletics | .494 | .505 | 78.3 |
| Blue Jays | .486 | .491 | 88.5 |
| Mariners | .495 | .484 | 69.7 |
| Royals | .459 | .461 | 72.8 |
| Indians | .451 | .441 | 66.4 |
| Orioles | .429 | .418 | 58.5 |
Next are the projected final standings with only the "games back" listing. Rounded to the nearest full game, of course.
| AL EAST | AL CENTRAL | AL WEST | |||
| Yankees | -- | Tigers | -- | Rangers | -- |
| Rays | -5 | White Sox | -- | Angels | -6 |
| Red Sox | -9 | Twins | -- | Athletics | -12 |
| Blue Jays | -13 | Royals | -14 | Mariners | -20 |
| Orioles | -43 | Indians | -21 | ||
| WILD CARD | |||||
| Rays | -- | ||||
| Red Sox | -4 | ||||
| Blue Jays | -8 | ||||
| AL Central | -9 |
Mostly straightforward here. You might notice how much Texas benefits from the weighting. Their schedule has been pretty weak lately but they have taken full advantage and Vegas has been happy to give them their due. If anything, the six-game cushion I'm predicting is too low since it doesn't know they added Cliff Lee.
The other interesting thing is the predicted three-way tie in the Central. Vegas still likes Minnesota, even though they are the laggards in the real standings. For what it's worth, I think I agree with them, as their rotation is fairly solid top-to-bottom, though Morneau being out for a long stretch might be enough to kill them in a tight race. Chicago has been one team that's mystified me all year. They look mediocre at best and yet Vegas has held out hope all year until finally the last few weeks they caught fire to validate the respect (that's why you trust the numbers over your own instincts every day of the week). None of the three teams is all that good, evidenced by the fact that any of them would be fifth in the East.
National League
| Rating | Weighted | Season Wins | |
| Cardinals | .575 | .563 | 89.3 |
| Phillies | .566 | .552 | 88.3 |
| Dodgers | .543 | .542 | 88.0 |
| Braves | .546 | .538 | 92.0 |
| Rockies | .536 | .527 | 87.0 |
| Giants | .524 | .522 | 84.8 |
| Reds | .498 | .512 | 86.1 |
| Mets | .497 | .509 | 85.2 |
| Cubs | .522 | .506 | 75.6 |
| Padres | .491 | .502 | 87.2 |
| Marlins | .509 | .499 | 78.8 |
| Brewers | .505 | .499 | 76.6 |
| Nationals | .455 | .477 | 72.7 |
| Dbacks | .482 | .466 | 67.6 |
| Astros | .444 | .446 | 68.2 |
| Pirates | .419 | .429 | 61.8 |
Projected Standings
| NL EAST | NL CENTRAL | NL WEST | |||
| Braves | -- | Cardinals | -- | Dodgers | -- |
| Phillies | -4 | Reds | -3 | Padres | -1 |
| Mets | -7 | Brewers | -12 | Rockies | -1 |
| Marlins | -13 | Cubs | -13 | Giants | -3 |
| Nationals | -19 | Astros | -21 | Dbacks | -20 |
| Pirates | -27 | ||||
| WILD CARD | |||||
| Phillies | -- | ||||
| Padres | -1 | ||||
| Rockies | -1 | ||||
| Reds | -2 | ||||
| Mets | -3 | ||||
| Giants | -3 |
From my perspective, much more interesting here. If you'll allow me, I have to say that these ratings have been extremely prophetic so far this season. They correctly predicted the rise of Atlanta, Texas, and the White Sox. If someone had been selling shares of those teams, I could have bought them at low prices in the past couple months and them sold them right now at huge profits. Alas.
I mention this because if my numbers are to be trusted there are some changes coming in the NL standings. Cincinnati, holding a small lead, is expected to finish three game up (though with the big caveat that the Cardinals have had some curiously weak lines lately, meaning that Vegas may be about to abandon ship on their league favorite). Similarly, it took a very long time, but it looks like Vegas finally believes in the Reds as at least a worthy pennant race participant. That's nothing compared to the tightest division in baseball, the NL West. All season, San Diego has been leading the pack. All season, Vegas has considered them pretenders. Finally, enough of the season has been completed so that the difference between results and expectations is close enough to expect the Padres to stay in the race right until the end. They have the misfortune of competing against two teams Vegas likes to make a second-half run, though, in LA and Colorado. The Dodgers especially should be a feared team, coming in with a weighted rating a full 40 points higher than San Diego.
Finally, Philadelphia is currently two back in the Wild Card standings, but are favored to win it. Adding in the Mets and Giants, and more than half the NL projects within three games of the playoffs.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
All Filled Up
A lot of people at work have very reasonably been asking me if I'm tired. I am a little, of course, but not exceptionally so. Our baby is really very well behaved so far in life.
It got me to thinking about being tired, though. Physically, it has been quite manageable. It's not really the lack of sleep that is the problem but the inconsistency. I think I'm still getting more than six hours per night, but it's broken up into pieces. Nothing I won't become used to in a little more time.
It is the emotional side of exhaustion and its effect on my metaphysical self that is more apparent to me. It is extremely tiring to be constantly looking out for someone else, to be constantly thinking of and caring for another's needs before your own. It is very tiring to always feel the relentless weight of responsibility.
This is something that human beings must mature into. A couple years ago, I didn't have it. Our instincts are to look out for ourselves, so that it's mostly effortless to live a life. It takes practice and an infinite level of devotion and commitment to another person to get used to behaving differently. I'm happy to be on that path, happy and proud to think about it becoming routine.
Some people live exhausting lives. They work hard, they don't sleep much, they go out and party a little too much. Burning the candle at both ends. The toll from this kind of (some might say reckless) behavior is almost wholly physical, though. You destroy your body, which is of course exhausting. But it is also fairly easy to do. You make the decisions for yourself, you live with the consequences, everything has its balance. It is your life and your life only.
Naturally, I had never known this before, but having a family brings out a unique kind of exhaustion that would better be called a comprehensive state of being, the kind that keeps your body and spirit sound. I think it is the true fullness of the human experience.
It got me to thinking about being tired, though. Physically, it has been quite manageable. It's not really the lack of sleep that is the problem but the inconsistency. I think I'm still getting more than six hours per night, but it's broken up into pieces. Nothing I won't become used to in a little more time.
It is the emotional side of exhaustion and its effect on my metaphysical self that is more apparent to me. It is extremely tiring to be constantly looking out for someone else, to be constantly thinking of and caring for another's needs before your own. It is very tiring to always feel the relentless weight of responsibility.
This is something that human beings must mature into. A couple years ago, I didn't have it. Our instincts are to look out for ourselves, so that it's mostly effortless to live a life. It takes practice and an infinite level of devotion and commitment to another person to get used to behaving differently. I'm happy to be on that path, happy and proud to think about it becoming routine.
Some people live exhausting lives. They work hard, they don't sleep much, they go out and party a little too much. Burning the candle at both ends. The toll from this kind of (some might say reckless) behavior is almost wholly physical, though. You destroy your body, which is of course exhausting. But it is also fairly easy to do. You make the decisions for yourself, you live with the consequences, everything has its balance. It is your life and your life only.
Naturally, I had never known this before, but having a family brings out a unique kind of exhaustion that would better be called a comprehensive state of being, the kind that keeps your body and spirit sound. I think it is the true fullness of the human experience.
Monday, July 12, 2010
A Magnificent Forest
Let's see, what to talk about today?
The World Cup ended sorta quietly, though Spain did win me about $70 with the win, so thanks. I haven't run for a while because I'm being cautious with a chronically tight hamstring. I got some good use out of the grill yesterday and was reminded again how delicious chicken thighs are and how foolishly infrequently I buy them compared to breasts. Oh, and last Friday I became a father.
Actually, here is little Lula on her birthday:
Just spectacular, isn't it? I can hardly believe that I get to go home every day and that little beauty will be there waiting for me.
It's weird, throughout the whole birth process, being at the hospital, then bringing her home and spending a couple of nights and days just watching her get used to things, there have been a seemingly infinite number of things that would normally cause me to think: that would make something interesting to write about. I suppose that if I had let myself slip out of the moment these last few days, I would have been overwhelmed with the desire to write some of this stuff down, or at least to make a mental note to do it later.
Here I am now finally taking a couple minutes to document the occasion and I can't see how much any of it really matters. Just details, like a stock ticker constantly running and spitting out numbers which are meaningless without the context. The context is everything. The wholeness of the experience is so vast and obviously significant that all else washes away. It's the opposite of the saying, "you can't see the forest for the trees."
Probably as the days pass things will be different, but right now I can't see the trees. Quite frankly, I don't really need to.
The World Cup ended sorta quietly, though Spain did win me about $70 with the win, so thanks. I haven't run for a while because I'm being cautious with a chronically tight hamstring. I got some good use out of the grill yesterday and was reminded again how delicious chicken thighs are and how foolishly infrequently I buy them compared to breasts. Oh, and last Friday I became a father.
Actually, here is little Lula on her birthday:
Just spectacular, isn't it? I can hardly believe that I get to go home every day and that little beauty will be there waiting for me.It's weird, throughout the whole birth process, being at the hospital, then bringing her home and spending a couple of nights and days just watching her get used to things, there have been a seemingly infinite number of things that would normally cause me to think: that would make something interesting to write about. I suppose that if I had let myself slip out of the moment these last few days, I would have been overwhelmed with the desire to write some of this stuff down, or at least to make a mental note to do it later.
Here I am now finally taking a couple minutes to document the occasion and I can't see how much any of it really matters. Just details, like a stock ticker constantly running and spitting out numbers which are meaningless without the context. The context is everything. The wholeness of the experience is so vast and obviously significant that all else washes away. It's the opposite of the saying, "you can't see the forest for the trees."
Probably as the days pass things will be different, but right now I can't see the trees. Quite frankly, I don't really need to.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Maybe I'm Falling Out of Love with You, NY
I've finally started to feel a little of the lame-duck effect as I walk around this city. Last night I think I committed to picking a firm moving-out date (whereas previously I had argued that we should wait to move until I have a job offer(1)). This afternoon I contacted a moving company to discuss logistics.(2) It's happening.
I've done a good job of focusing on the present with both my life and my job these last several months, so that I think not too much has suffered from the fuck-it-I'll-be-gone-in-a-few-months-anyway laziness. But now we are getting close enough so that lots of things I'm doing now I am doing for the last time. A couple weeks ago I was at Blue & Gold, our old regular spot (not to mention the "basement" of my apartment for over a year), and it occurred to me while there that since my friends don't hang out there as often that it would probably be the last time I'm there. Sara hates Williamsburg (can't say I totally disagree), and so when we got on the G train to head home from there last weekend, I felt like there was a decent chance I'd never be back. A few weeks ago at the office I had to work on rearranging the seating assignments in order to accommodate interns and the new class of employees (a rite of summer here), and of course I understood while doing it that it would be for the last time.
I hope this doesn't sound sentimental, because I surely haven't been getting misty during any of this. The point is that instead of just going about my business like always, the reality of the end has seeped into my consciousness, which thankfully feels at least as exciting for me as it does sad.
One thing that is negative about this is I have sorta stopped being excited by things happening around me in this city. There has been an empty storefront on a corner close to my apartment for a few months now. Lately it has started to seem apparent that this will open soon as a kind of diner. Normally this would make me happy on a very simple level, but when thinking about it I found myself unmoved because I wouldn't be around to enjoy it much anyway. They're expanding the waterfront park near me at the end of Atlantic, but what do I care? Apparently there is no longer a V train and the M is running differently, or some other nonsense. Usually I would be all over this news and have the new routes memorized in case of late-night re-routing necessities, but since those aren't daily trains for me, I'm not bothering to learn them.
It's not any one of the little facts, it's the accumulation of them that amounts to something, and that something is a curious but growing sense of apathy (for today), excitement (for tomorrow), and almost boredom (for my surroundings). Anymore, I'm just unimpressed, I suppose.
Guilty.
1. My prior argument being that I already have a steady income here, so why move to Chicago until I know I'll have a steady income there? On a philosophical level, it's obvious, but of course we don't live in that realm. There is real value to not living in limbo indefinitely, and as the months or even just weeks pass our future baby will be growing out of our apartment space. The last straw was when I decided that, in the event that I haven't acquired a job by our desired moving date, it would be much easier to keep looking if I'm already living in the correct city, and not forced to fly for interviews (also costly). And my lovely wife really doesn't like the idea of not knowing when we're leaving, which is important to me.
2. Almost exactly $1000 for someone else to move my stuff a thousand miles. Not terrible. Having an infant when planning a long-distance move complicates things immensely. Not to mention that it finally dawned on me the other day that when we actually drive ourselves there, we'll have to stop at least every 3 hours so Sara can feed the baby. I am the kind of person who will try to hold in a piss for hours so as to make the best time possible. Patience will be required.
I've done a good job of focusing on the present with both my life and my job these last several months, so that I think not too much has suffered from the fuck-it-I'll-be-gone-in-a-few-months-anyway laziness. But now we are getting close enough so that lots of things I'm doing now I am doing for the last time. A couple weeks ago I was at Blue & Gold, our old regular spot (not to mention the "basement" of my apartment for over a year), and it occurred to me while there that since my friends don't hang out there as often that it would probably be the last time I'm there. Sara hates Williamsburg (can't say I totally disagree), and so when we got on the G train to head home from there last weekend, I felt like there was a decent chance I'd never be back. A few weeks ago at the office I had to work on rearranging the seating assignments in order to accommodate interns and the new class of employees (a rite of summer here), and of course I understood while doing it that it would be for the last time.
I hope this doesn't sound sentimental, because I surely haven't been getting misty during any of this. The point is that instead of just going about my business like always, the reality of the end has seeped into my consciousness, which thankfully feels at least as exciting for me as it does sad.
One thing that is negative about this is I have sorta stopped being excited by things happening around me in this city. There has been an empty storefront on a corner close to my apartment for a few months now. Lately it has started to seem apparent that this will open soon as a kind of diner. Normally this would make me happy on a very simple level, but when thinking about it I found myself unmoved because I wouldn't be around to enjoy it much anyway. They're expanding the waterfront park near me at the end of Atlantic, but what do I care? Apparently there is no longer a V train and the M is running differently, or some other nonsense. Usually I would be all over this news and have the new routes memorized in case of late-night re-routing necessities, but since those aren't daily trains for me, I'm not bothering to learn them.
It's not any one of the little facts, it's the accumulation of them that amounts to something, and that something is a curious but growing sense of apathy (for today), excitement (for tomorrow), and almost boredom (for my surroundings). Anymore, I'm just unimpressed, I suppose.
Guilty.1. My prior argument being that I already have a steady income here, so why move to Chicago until I know I'll have a steady income there? On a philosophical level, it's obvious, but of course we don't live in that realm. There is real value to not living in limbo indefinitely, and as the months or even just weeks pass our future baby will be growing out of our apartment space. The last straw was when I decided that, in the event that I haven't acquired a job by our desired moving date, it would be much easier to keep looking if I'm already living in the correct city, and not forced to fly for interviews (also costly). And my lovely wife really doesn't like the idea of not knowing when we're leaving, which is important to me.
2. Almost exactly $1000 for someone else to move my stuff a thousand miles. Not terrible. Having an infant when planning a long-distance move complicates things immensely. Not to mention that it finally dawned on me the other day that when we actually drive ourselves there, we'll have to stop at least every 3 hours so Sara can feed the baby. I am the kind of person who will try to hold in a piss for hours so as to make the best time possible. Patience will be required.
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