SI Diary

Annual Staten Island Pilgrimage
Saturday, February 16th, 2008
1:08pm - SI trip is starting exactly as it should: ugly. We are now curiously in Brooklyn, riding an R to Canal St where we must transfer to some train that is hopefully not diverted due to construction. We're supposed to take the 1:00 ferry, now we may miss the 1:30.
1:46 - Waiting for the ferry. There is the cutest little black kid you'll ever see here. He's maybe three and he's totally smittenby a pigeon that is walking around the room. Unfortunately I'm not a good enough writer to share how magnificent it is to watch this kid track this bird.
3:41 - We're here. Finally. Tough travels. Travails. Regrettably, our waitress isn't nearly as enthusiastic as last time. She's got a tattoo--I think she's an antisocial.........She just said "It's going to be a few minutes still. I've just got to go find a bucket." (We ordered a 5beer bucket, cause we're at Applebee's, duh.)
4:58 - Dude just walked by. Me: "That guy looks like the Marlboro Man only if the Marlboro Man were a loser."
5:24 - Dave: "What am I writing? What am I writing?" Devon: "Sexy kids."
6:16 - Post Applebees. Mall time. Nothing of note yet. Going to check on the balloon girl.
8:10 - 1414 Club. 1414 Forest Avenue. Us four, one other guy missing at least one of his front teeth, and the bartender--lovin life. My new favorite bathroom is here. Sparse and rustic are two useful adjectives. Four TVs--two showing AMC (Letters from Iwo Jima), other two showing horse races: OTB next door, of course.
8:54 - Pack of four middle-aged women in front of us waiting to cross a desolate 2-lane road to get to the Drunken Monkey (our current spot), one of them hops out to cross as a car approaches, another yells "Jesus Christ Cheryl, we're in Staten Island now, you're crazy you can't do that out here. Sheesh." Should be noted that these women look like caricatures of classic SI women. Thank you, thank you.
11:08 - In the last hour I've just gotten definitely drunk. So I've got that going for me. Ill have to go at half-speed the rest of the night. So I've got that going against me.
11:11 - These hoochies at the Burrito Bar have some serious bootys. I mean that in a very complimentary way.
11: 13 - Should also here note that in the last 90 minutes I've watched the best NBA Dunk competition since MJ and Dominique.
11:30 - Here is a why a douche working out all the time can often be stereotypically pathetic (as learned by keeping my eyes open in an awful SI bar): because often they don't have anything else going for them; if they weren't fit then they'd be utterly worthless, and their relative fitness keeps them from acquiring any useful qualities.
- The Black Dog sucks dick.
11:37 - Something that I was not aware of as a phenomenon until the last two bars: the Staten Island Booty. These chicks have my kind of ass. Related aside: I guess this makes it official that I'm hopelessly in love, but whenever I see a hot chick I have a strong desire to bone not the chick but my absent girlfriend. So it is. So I am.
11:47 - Something peculiar I've noticed about this borough: as a rule, dudes don't ever kick up the toilet seat before pissing. As a man, I shouldn't be offended by this, but come on man, that shit is nasty just pissing all over the seat.
12:58am - Three black chicks here waiting for the ferry with us. Two are hot, one is attractive but too chunky. One is smoking hot but real skinny. Other is a 10 body but not as pretty. They're making me want to do it. Maybe it's cause it's after midnight and I'm still in Richmond County but I'm impressed. I wish I had my lady here now. I'm pathetic, granted, but sheesh I wish she were here. Maybe I'm a failure after all. But alas, I don't care.
1:14 - As it turns out, I'm a pervert.
2:18 - Back in the cit, finally. Feeling pretty weak, might not be able to finish the beer I just ordered. Questionably barfy, just ate a slice. Back in my old hood at Peculiar Pub. Blasphemously it appears more strumpety here than in SI. Hos abound. Short skirts even though it's frigid. Some forgot pants, even.
3:10 - Do you want to know what Dave's butthole smells like: it smells like if you took a bunch of old rotten clams, took a big diarrhetic shit on them, then steamed them in a heavily garlicked bowl of asparagus piss.