The Patriots lost the Super Bowl two days ago, to the NY Giants. As a lifelong Steelers fan, this shouldn't really cause much pain or joy. Pittsburgh was eliminated (not by the Patriots) nearly a month ago, and our traditional rival--the Browns--never even made the playoffs. However, as I was conversing with a friend yesterday, it was obvious that the SB result caused me great joy and this friend great discouragement (which is doubly odd as his allegiances are as equally dispersed as mine).
This got me to thinking about sports fandom, and more what it means to be a fan in general (ie of football) than to the more traditional idea of being a fan in specificity (ie of Pittsburgh). To illustrate the point, I've prepared a listing of teams I least like to see win the Super Bowl. I considered doing a top ten least like to see win and a top ten most like to see win, but I realized my specific Steeler fandom automatically eliminates all 31 other teams from being eligible for the latter list, whereas the former could cover any of the 31. Also note this list is "least like to see win it all," not least favorite, and there is an important difference, as least favorite is more simply about a team, whereas least like to see win is broadly about the team, their fans, their city, and any number of other variables. I'm talking about the joy/disgust of a title versus the pleasure of aesthetics.
Here it is, in reverse order:
31. New Orleans Saints -- not much needs to be said here.
30. Arizona Cardinals -- hard not to root for a perpetual loser with nothing really unsavory about them. They are the one team I'd have no trouble riding the bandwagon of should they suddenly get good, as long as it's not at the Steelers' expense. Bonus points for taking Pitt's coaching staff and installing Steelers West.
29. Green Bay Packers -- Old school. Cold. Football. And Brett Favre is all man.
28. Philadelphia Eagles -- Good quality teams usually and pathetic pitiful fans, they all would deserve it.
27. Indianapolis Colts -- Another great team with the greatest player, plus classy s.o.b. and ex-Steeler Tony Dungy. You have to respect it when you see it.
26. San Diego Chargers -- A fairly harmless good team, though Phil Rivers is dragging this team down the list singlehandedly.
25. Chicago Bears -- A good fan base and a classic team lately dominated by defense. Probably should rate them higher.
24. Washington Redskins -- can't really explain this one. Just another innocuous and classic old team.
23. Buffalo Bills -- Kinda have to feel bad for them a little, plus I was a fan of the exciting offensive early 90s teams.
22. Oakland Raiders -- Steelers used to have a little of a rivalry with them, but that was long ago. Plus the jerseys are awesome their reputation is awesome and even just the name is awesome. 21. New York Giants -- I don't really care for the NY teams but the Giants are far more preferrable and really they've never done anything to me.20/19/18. St Louis Rams/Tampa Bay Buccaneers/Atlanta Falcons -- three basically nondescript NFC teams that don't displease me in any way but also don't really ever cause me to want to watch their games.
This got me to thinking about sports fandom, and more what it means to be a fan in general (ie of football) than to the more traditional idea of being a fan in specificity (ie of Pittsburgh). To illustrate the point, I've prepared a listing of teams I least like to see win the Super Bowl. I considered doing a top ten least like to see win and a top ten most like to see win, but I realized my specific Steeler fandom automatically eliminates all 31 other teams from being eligible for the latter list, whereas the former could cover any of the 31. Also note this list is "least like to see win it all," not least favorite, and there is an important difference, as least favorite is more simply about a team, whereas least like to see win is broadly about the team, their fans, their city, and any number of other variables. I'm talking about the joy/disgust of a title versus the pleasure of aesthetics.
Here it is, in reverse order:
31. New Orleans Saints -- not much needs to be said here.
30. Arizona Cardinals -- hard not to root for a perpetual loser with nothing really unsavory about them. They are the one team I'd have no trouble riding the bandwagon of should they suddenly get good, as long as it's not at the Steelers' expense. Bonus points for taking Pitt's coaching staff and installing Steelers West.
29. Green Bay Packers -- Old school. Cold. Football. And Brett Favre is all man.
28. Philadelphia Eagles -- Good quality teams usually and pathetic pitiful fans, they all would deserve it.
27. Indianapolis Colts -- Another great team with the greatest player, plus classy s.o.b. and ex-Steeler Tony Dungy. You have to respect it when you see it.
26. San Diego Chargers -- A fairly harmless good team, though Phil Rivers is dragging this team down the list singlehandedly.
25. Chicago Bears -- A good fan base and a classic team lately dominated by defense. Probably should rate them higher.
24. Washington Redskins -- can't really explain this one. Just another innocuous and classic old team.
23. Buffalo Bills -- Kinda have to feel bad for them a little, plus I was a fan of the exciting offensive early 90s teams.
22. Oakland Raiders -- Steelers used to have a little of a rivalry with them, but that was long ago. Plus the jerseys are awesome their reputation is awesome and even just the name is awesome. 21. New York Giants -- I don't really care for the NY teams but the Giants are far more preferrable and really they've never done anything to me.20/19/18. St Louis Rams/Tampa Bay Buccaneers/Atlanta Falcons -- three basically nondescript NFC teams that don't displease me in any way but also don't really ever cause me to want to watch their games.
17. Detroit Lions -- if it weren't for the Pistons being good, I'd be much more sympathetic. A classic team as well.
16/15. Houston Texans/Tennessee Titans -- two AFC South teams that don't do much for me. If Tennessee were still the Oilers, they'd be rated much worse.
14/13. Minnesota Vikings/Carolina Panthers -- two more basically nondescript NFC that for whatever reason I have more respect for.
12. San Francisco 49ers -- Boy, fifteen years ago they would have been in the top 5, easy. Many years of suck, plus Frank Gore carrying me to a fantasy title in 2006, plus Pittsburgh tying them with their fifth Super Bowl in 2005, have brought them down quite a bit.
11. Kansas City Chiefs -- I'm not sure why but I still remember losing to them often in the 90s. And there is just something that seems snotty about this team, maybe it's the way they always pose for their individual pictures wearing those pissy white turtlenecks.
10. Denver Broncos -- Their period of goodness has overlapped pretty exactly with the Steelers the last 15 years, so fuck them. Something not aggressive but definitely unsavory about this team and their fans.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars -- Kindof a quietly intense rivalry between this team and Pittsburgh. We've gone toe-to-toe many times in recent years, not always getting the better of it.
8. New York Jets -- As I said earlier, I don't care for the NY teams, the fans are really no good, which is odd because I respect NY baseball fans. For me, the difference between Jets/Giants is this: Giants are the old-school team, the better team usually, the better looking team, and the team less likely to force me to sit in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I wait for their kicker to shank two game-winning FGs so my 15-1 team can scrape by a divisional-round playoff game.
7. Miami Dolphins -- Don Shula has basically shown the world this season what's awful about the Dolphins and their odd smugness. Fuck you. And Dan Marino better keep blindly picking the Steelers to win every week cause his delicate douchebag idiot routine is close to getting him disowned by the city of Pittsburgh.
6. Cleveland Browns -- This is the toughest team to rate. On one hand, I get no more joy than from beating the Browns. On the other, it's frequency is slowly taking away the satisfaction. On one hand, this is the one fan base that probably deserves a title more than any. On the other, you know they'd abuse the priviledge of being arrogant. On one hand, they are a classic, well-respected team. On the other, I hate them. On one hand, this team shares more in common with my own than anyone else. On the other, Bernie Kosar was a hugely overrated hack, for crying out loud. Webster Slaughter. Kevin Mack. Fuck you too. Clips of The Fumble and The Drive are fun to watch.
5. Baltimore Ravens -- Most heated Pittsburgh rival of the last 10 years. Already won a Super Bowl. Brian Billick needs no introduction(though they just fired him so there is a chance they could fall a few spots). Ray lewis used to be good, but now he's just a dancing fucko ex-Miami cock.
4. Cincinnati Bengals -- We had a mini-rivalry with them for a few years there but it seems to have dissipated. Still, theirs is our freshest intradivisional hate-fest, so they rate the highest of the three. Their offense is good but there is lots about this team that screams Mickey Mouse (stupid garish unis, no defense, offense that wilts against good defenses, coach that's overmatched, just a team that you know has no chance to win a playoff game. A Mickey Mouse team one that's cute but has no spine. Texas Tech is a decent example of a college team of this ilk), and there's nothing that elicits my scorn more than a Mickey Mouse team. Plus, their record of thuggery is so ridiculous that it's not even funny anymore, just pathetic. Damn, I almost forgot: Boomer Esiason: All-Time Douche.
3. Dallas Cowboys -- Old-school Steeler rival. Tied with Pit and SF with five Super Bowl wins. Legendary arrogance. Legendary incorrigible owners and coaches. Mentioning the phrase "America's Team" is a real sure way to get my blood up. Tony Romo. TO. The most retarded stadium in the NFL. The worst most out-of-the-woodwork fans in the league. They're kinda the Notre Dame of the league, when it comes down to it.
2. Seattle Seahawks -- 75% of my distaste here comes from Super Bowl XL. Get over it. You lost. There was a game played, and some people hired to make sure it was fair, and you lost. By 11. There are close calls in every game that people complain about, but congratulations, you win the prize by far for being the biggest whiners in the history of the sport. In addition, I hate that they are basically a Mickey Mouse team that gets by because they've got a quirky stadium that gives them a built-in edge and they play in easily the worst division in football. St Louis, Arizona, and San Fran would have all gone 2-14 playing in any AFC division in any of the last five years. Good job making the playoffs Holmgren, you fuck. Even with decidely mediocre teams, you're going to go no worse than 5-3 at home because of the stadium and you're going to go 4-2 in your division. You're like Hawaii for godsakes.
1. New England Patriots -- The combined effect of the 2001 and 2004 AFC Championship Games, coupled with their three Super Bowl wins, were enough to put them in this spot before the absurdity of the 2007 season vaulted them basically off the charts here. In fact, I should rank them zero, that's how disgusted and angry thinking about this franchise makes me. Watching them lose a Super Bowl as heavy favorites is the next best thing to seeing the Steelers win one.
16/15. Houston Texans/Tennessee Titans -- two AFC South teams that don't do much for me. If Tennessee were still the Oilers, they'd be rated much worse.
14/13. Minnesota Vikings/Carolina Panthers -- two more basically nondescript NFC that for whatever reason I have more respect for.
12. San Francisco 49ers -- Boy, fifteen years ago they would have been in the top 5, easy. Many years of suck, plus Frank Gore carrying me to a fantasy title in 2006, plus Pittsburgh tying them with their fifth Super Bowl in 2005, have brought them down quite a bit.
11. Kansas City Chiefs -- I'm not sure why but I still remember losing to them often in the 90s. And there is just something that seems snotty about this team, maybe it's the way they always pose for their individual pictures wearing those pissy white turtlenecks.
10. Denver Broncos -- Their period of goodness has overlapped pretty exactly with the Steelers the last 15 years, so fuck them. Something not aggressive but definitely unsavory about this team and their fans.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars -- Kindof a quietly intense rivalry between this team and Pittsburgh. We've gone toe-to-toe many times in recent years, not always getting the better of it.
8. New York Jets -- As I said earlier, I don't care for the NY teams, the fans are really no good, which is odd because I respect NY baseball fans. For me, the difference between Jets/Giants is this: Giants are the old-school team, the better team usually, the better looking team, and the team less likely to force me to sit in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I wait for their kicker to shank two game-winning FGs so my 15-1 team can scrape by a divisional-round playoff game.
7. Miami Dolphins -- Don Shula has basically shown the world this season what's awful about the Dolphins and their odd smugness. Fuck you. And Dan Marino better keep blindly picking the Steelers to win every week cause his delicate douchebag idiot routine is close to getting him disowned by the city of Pittsburgh.
6. Cleveland Browns -- This is the toughest team to rate. On one hand, I get no more joy than from beating the Browns. On the other, it's frequency is slowly taking away the satisfaction. On one hand, this is the one fan base that probably deserves a title more than any. On the other, you know they'd abuse the priviledge of being arrogant. On one hand, they are a classic, well-respected team. On the other, I hate them. On one hand, this team shares more in common with my own than anyone else. On the other, Bernie Kosar was a hugely overrated hack, for crying out loud. Webster Slaughter. Kevin Mack. Fuck you too. Clips of The Fumble and The Drive are fun to watch.
5. Baltimore Ravens -- Most heated Pittsburgh rival of the last 10 years. Already won a Super Bowl. Brian Billick needs no introduction(though they just fired him so there is a chance they could fall a few spots). Ray lewis used to be good, but now he's just a dancing fucko ex-Miami cock.
4. Cincinnati Bengals -- We had a mini-rivalry with them for a few years there but it seems to have dissipated. Still, theirs is our freshest intradivisional hate-fest, so they rate the highest of the three. Their offense is good but there is lots about this team that screams Mickey Mouse (stupid garish unis, no defense, offense that wilts against good defenses, coach that's overmatched, just a team that you know has no chance to win a playoff game. A Mickey Mouse team one that's cute but has no spine. Texas Tech is a decent example of a college team of this ilk), and there's nothing that elicits my scorn more than a Mickey Mouse team. Plus, their record of thuggery is so ridiculous that it's not even funny anymore, just pathetic. Damn, I almost forgot: Boomer Esiason: All-Time Douche.
3. Dallas Cowboys -- Old-school Steeler rival. Tied with Pit and SF with five Super Bowl wins. Legendary arrogance. Legendary incorrigible owners and coaches. Mentioning the phrase "America's Team" is a real sure way to get my blood up. Tony Romo. TO. The most retarded stadium in the NFL. The worst most out-of-the-woodwork fans in the league. They're kinda the Notre Dame of the league, when it comes down to it.
2. Seattle Seahawks -- 75% of my distaste here comes from Super Bowl XL. Get over it. You lost. There was a game played, and some people hired to make sure it was fair, and you lost. By 11. There are close calls in every game that people complain about, but congratulations, you win the prize by far for being the biggest whiners in the history of the sport. In addition, I hate that they are basically a Mickey Mouse team that gets by because they've got a quirky stadium that gives them a built-in edge and they play in easily the worst division in football. St Louis, Arizona, and San Fran would have all gone 2-14 playing in any AFC division in any of the last five years. Good job making the playoffs Holmgren, you fuck. Even with decidely mediocre teams, you're going to go no worse than 5-3 at home because of the stadium and you're going to go 4-2 in your division. You're like Hawaii for godsakes.
1. New England Patriots -- The combined effect of the 2001 and 2004 AFC Championship Games, coupled with their three Super Bowl wins, were enough to put them in this spot before the absurdity of the 2007 season vaulted them basically off the charts here. In fact, I should rank them zero, that's how disgusted and angry thinking about this franchise makes me. Watching them lose a Super Bowl as heavy favorites is the next best thing to seeing the Steelers win one.
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