Jury Duty, Part I
Monday, May 21
9:24am - The Wheels of Justice are turning--jfolg is on the case.
452 Centre St: the big impressive building in Foley Square with the big impressive stairs that wrap around the sides pyramidically. Jane Pauley was just videophonically letting us know how great juries are. Pride. Only Manhattanites in this room.
9:26 - Now Judy Kaye, Judge (on video), just let us know how great the justice system is. Friendly, personal, even.
"..........no one will ever enter, for this gate was just for you. Now I am going to close it."
9:29 - odd old guy now giving us a rah-rah in-your-face sort of Huey Long speech. He's not on video.
9:33 - Good, if not disturbing, if not fascinating news: the disembodied, presumably computer-generated voice that greeted me in the recorded updated reporting instructions after calling in last night as ordered to do so, actually belongs to a real live person who's standing here right now.
9:37 - Shit, just found out there might also be some Roosevelt Island wackos here too. Shit. Broken dreams, those mofos probably have a vendetta out for me because of excess glass washing up on their shores.
9:54 - Just handed in my card. Line of people filtering through and disembodied recording voice lady was making a show of saying good morning loudly to every single person as they have their cards. Proud to report i was the first to return the greeting, followed by her: "That's right, you're here already, might as well smile."
11:02 - I was reading some good old Hunter S Thompson for the last half hour--maybe freak out the selectors.
11:04 - I am now in the selection room. Old woman was sitting in my seat--number 12--ha! Seat 12 incidentally was labelled with tape and somehow she still screwed it up. Now you're not going to believe this, but after old woman corrected her first seating mistake, the Selector was taking roll to double-check and lo and behold her second attempt at finding her NUMBERED SEAT was also a failure. I don't care about inconvenience, for the naive sake of fair justice I hope that if it comes down to me and her for the last selection that I get picked. I would be slightly more competent than her while stone-drunk and with cocaine dripping down the back of my throat.
11:10 - Lawyers just showed up. No more coke references--even in jest.
11:11 - Only one of them is using a legal pad. other two are nonconformists, evidently. It's a yellow pad. Whoa!........hold on, lawyer #2 just pulled a legal pad out of his satch. Sneaky.
11:16 - This is a medical malpractice case and the plaintiff (a newborn, presumably not entirely healthy baby) is being represented by, of course, Fitzgerald & Fitzgerald. They of the subway ad fame. Well, you ain't getting no multimillion dollar settlement from this cat, you gluttonous bastards.
11:24 - Quiet room. Rather cold. off-white paint 360degrees with an odd 4inch ledge running around the circumference about 40inches up the wall. It's like a ledge seen along walls in some bars. Room is about 14x20 and has one wooden table and 35 wooden chairs with blue leather backs and blue upholstered seats. Two of the chairs are occupied by lawyers at the table irregularly reading our questionnaires and looking up at us to get a read for how complicit we might be in their little money game (it's a civil trial of course). (Note--I was wrong earlier, only two lawyers, third guy was something else. He left. 30 potential jurors leaves three empty chairs.)
11:30 - I was trying to peep onto the questionnaire of the senile old lady (who settled in finally right next to me) to find out her name but she caught me and paranoically turned it over. Maybe there's a faint light on up there after all?
11:32 - Fitz & Fitz lawyer just broke long verbal silence and said "God bless you" to a sneezer. He's good. +2 points for him.
11:35 - There is a bull dyke in the room. As well as a very skinny black man wearing a leather fanny pack.
12:50pm - Lunch break now. Fitz & Fitz guy did his hour of questioning, stopping and asking things of all 30 of us. Inevitably, I suppose, I got the biggest laugh during this, though it was really all his doing. he asked me, directly: "Does any studying get done at Ohio State?"..............laughter,............followed by my answer "Well not on the weekends, as far as I know"..............heavier laughter.
We're supposed to get lunch at 12:45. At 12:35 the defense lawyer woman took a vote to see if we should break at 12:35 or else press forward til she was done and maybe finish early. I noticed the older contingent, including senile woman, were all in favor of an earlier lunch. Myself and the rest of the majority favored waiting. Well, about 10 minutes later, in the middle of defense lawyer's questioning, senile woman asks to speak privately outside with the lawyers. When they return, lawyer woman says let's break for lunch now. The lesson, of course: it's always an old bitch getting in the way of democracy.
1:16 - Sitting near the fountain in Foley Sq eating a tiny Turkey Club Wrap that cost $6, looking back up at the building I'm visiting today, I realize what's slightly familiar about those impressive steps: it's where Charlie Sheen walked up at the end of Wall Street. So there.
1:19 - There are now an uncomfortable amount of fire engines parked along the road outside the building adjoining mine. No smoke evident. Not sure if I'm disappointed or relieved.
1:24 It's a very lovely day, low 70s and a perfectly blue sky. Sky is so spotless and bright, in fact, that it looks like a massive green screen (except it's blue obviously) that they use in TV and movies for effects. it is a tad breezy, though that might be geographically local: I'm downtown and it seems always to be windy downtown.
1:26 Woman sitting next to me is, int he space of 10 seconds, alternately speaking loudly and clearly and then instantly breaking into hysterical crying, followed immediately back to the calmness. I'll let you decide if that's unpleasant or not. This has been going on for 10 minutes.
I just counted: calm, 12 seconds of hysterics, 10 seconds of calm, 16 seconds of hysterics, 5 seconds of calm, "I'll call you back," silence, lucky me.
1:32 - Lots and lots of lawyers crossing through now. I just realized that I have absolutely no clue what makes a good suit, as opposed to a cheap one. No clue.
3:31 - Well they're just about done picking us now and I think I've got 5 more minutes before I'll know. To be honest I couldn't really care as long as this robonerd sitting in front of me isn't on the jury with me. He's as fidgety as a 5yr old and he wouldn't stop picking at a a scab on the back of his neck. According to his questionnaire, his hobby is "video games." Good for you, buddy.
There is one cute girl here, though. During our most recent 15 minute break so the lawyers could argue over us I picked an empty spot in the circular hallway and stretched out my tight legs a little. She walked by me twice and the second time she was definitely checking me out. So I got that going for me. Also, I'm vain and even somewhat pathetic for imagining that a potential jury mate was giving me the perv-eye. Guilty.
3:39 - Almost forgot - earlier (lunch break ended at 2:00) someone was late coming back and held everyone up fora full 15 minutes. When she finally arrived, she smiled, looked around the room, said "Waiting for me?" and then giggled. Couldn't determine how benign the giggle was because all my senses were filled with bloodlust.
3:43 - Drats! -- "Selected." One of ten.
3:44 - Silver lining--cute girl is also "Selected."
3:45 - Double Drats! --cute girl is wearing a ring on her finger, not 100% sure it's a wedding ring yet. Keep you posted.
3:46 - Sitting behind cutie waiting for info about trial start. Her pony-tail can be described as being tied "adulterously." In related news, I could be described as a hopeless optimist.
3:52 - Taking a good look around at the rest of my fellow "Selecteds," I'm having a Nick Carraway moment: "Everything for which I have an unaffected scorn."
9:32 - Well. For better or worse, I'm serving on a jury that will decide whether or not an 11yr old girl and her 25yr old mother are awarded a presumably significant amount of money due to Beth Israel Hospital's negligence. The time to mope about my personal stake in this inconvenient service is passed; I might as well attack this thing as honestly as possible.