I haven't watched any real movies lately, so let's talk about something else, like old Tommo. You remember him from the joke a couple weeks ago. What a great guy. No, I'm just saying that cause that's what you're supposed to say. No one ever says, "Gee, that Steve, what a flaming dick he is." Back to Tom, though. He's no flaming dick, but he is certainly flaming. One little-known thing I know about Tom and will share with you today is that he is really interested in an internet footprint.
Other news, I'm 28 years old and pretending to be a receptionist for the day. Since that's not my real job, it almost feels like I'm a 21 year old temping or something. Helps to keep a man grounded, gives him an opportunity to see things as they once were, because things change. For instance, I am voraciously soaking up net-knowledge as I plan my honeymoon for this August. That right there is a basic and major change. But as I look around and research places to stay (we've almost certainly settled on spending our 9-night vacation around the Yucatan Peninsula. Nice beaches, nice resorts, jungles, ancient ruins, relatively unspoiled or un-tourist-ed islands, all fairly cheap: sounded like a winner to me), a heretofore unknown thought has guided my decision-making. I'm concerned about safety, specifically the safety of my precious future bride. I think this terrifying reaction is called responsibility. The concern not merely for oneself, but for others. It's what parents do naturally on behalf of kids, and I think it's a prerequsite for a mature relationship.
The question here is how does this affect the rest of my actions? Is this strong-even-if-sometimes-irrational approach to situations something that you can turn on and off? Will I be "grown-up" when planning something involving Sara, while turning into a careless follower when doing anything else? I'd hope that the answer to this last question remains yes, at least for a little while longer. I enjoy the freedom of not being responsible for anyone, often includng myself, but the alternative is sort of a right of passage for people around my age. I guess what I'm saying is I hope this transition for me is a nebulous one.
While we're on the subject of change, Hamsgiving is tomorrow and I can't promise a liveblog as in past years. For one, it will be frigid (sub-20degrees, just like we'd always intended for the holiday. I seem to recall it being unseasonably warm last year) and so I won't be as apt to be jotting in a notebook, and for two I don't know how easy any access to a computer will be. I shall go prepared though and will do my best. I look forward to it.
Showing posts with label MATURATION. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MATURATION. Show all posts
Friday, January 16, 2009
Saturday, May 10, 2008
i was standing leaning over the rail on the deck behind the hermiller residence just now and in between puffs of my pipe i couldn't stop the feeling that i am completely happy right now. it's too pleasant. it's wonderful. someone just yelled my name in the back. i'm standing there on the rail looking around, in my shorts feeling utterly comfortable, watching the ebbs and flows of the party below me, watching someone other than myself man the grill, sensing people talking 360 degrees around me and passively absorbing everything. eventually my seventh sense causes my eye to wander around looking for reinforcement of the beauty within and i see her and she's not looking at me but she's close enough and it's comforting and it's exultant and i catch an icy bit of glory shooting from inside my chest out into the party. i feel like how the rain must feel when it sees a rainbow. maybe it's sad and maybe it's overly sappy but shit, it's it. and that's me now. pretty.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
It's been a long time so briefly at the top here I'll give you a free film review. High Plains Drifter, Clint Eastwood's second movie as a director, is a mid-seventies western starring Clint as the "Stranger," a character that is so obviously copied from his Sergio Leone roles that it's actually jarring not to see his mexican poncho. All the other trademarks are there: black flat-brimmed hat, skinny cigar, general mute stoicism. Aside from the simple joy of watching Clint do this familiar dance, I was quite disappointed in this film. It seemed to go out of its way to incorporate all the lame conventions of the western without adding anything. In fact, I didn't even finish it cause I realized an hour into it that it wasn't really necessary. This might have been fun for people who like westerns back in 1973, but I can't really recommend watching it for any kind of value. In 2030, would someone who generally enjoys romantic comedies ever go back and watch You've Got Mail for any good reason?
I've got a more formed opinion now of There Will Be Blood, of which I watched the first 90 minutes of again the other day. There are three things about it that are utterly extraordinary: Daniel Day-Lewis, the music, and the beautiful camera movements within virtually every scene that isn't simply static. DDay pretty much speaks for himself and unless you've been subjected to cold-war era psych treatments, his power emanates right from the first time you see him. To speak more (or really at all) on his performance is superfluous.
The music too was intensely enchanting even throughout my first viewing of the film, but I'd like to say that perhaps not enough has been made about how truly amazing it is because upon a second tour I found it often to outshine the verbal story it's woven into. I know the guy from Radiohead did it; let's hope he stays in the movie business cause he's a natural genius for it.
Finally, the camera action. This is something that I noticed initially but felt like maybe I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have, and so paid particular attention to the way Mr PT Anderson was technically delivering his images to us. I'd like to report that he did it phenomenally. through extensive movie-watching, I've come to realize that something I fundamentally love is an intelligent use of editing, or more specifically a conservative use of cuts combined with well-thought-out uses of pans and zooms between shots. Go watch some of the classics of Kurosawa for a visual course in what I'm talking about. Anderson seems to have done his homework in this regard, to the extent that several times throughout I found myself thinking about Kurosawa. He seems always to start on a general wide scene shot and drift forward or laterally across the scene so we can take everything in before finally settling on what will ultimately be important in the scene. Think of a shot where he surveys the land and the camps near the Little Boston well before finally bringing the derrick itself into the frame and zooming in, where Plainview is usually involved in the true action of the scene. Another specific example is when Eli is walking down to confront Plainview about where his church's money is. Instead of simply letting Eli walk into Plainview's frame, we follw from Eli's perspective as he walks along a pipeline and a vast lake of oil finally walking into where Plainview had been talking to some assistants. All the information that we see as Eli walks is important and stimulating. To top off this particular example, we get a beautifully framed shot with three men forming a perfect Kurosawsa-esque triangle, whose gap is of course filled by the entering Eli. This is the stuff that most people might not notice but most definitely adds to the overall experience of the film. If you are like me and do notice, then it moves everything to another level. My only nitpick is that none of this style seems very ambitious, innovative, or creative, so while it's certainly fine work, it falls quite short of being anything truly brilliant. Nonetheless, this is more argumentative and should not get in the way of your noticing the wonderful quality of this aspect of the film. So do enjoy.
(I'd like to finish off the last hour of the film again before passing a complete judgement (even though I'm quite sure the last hour will only serve to intensify my opinion), but the main problem I still have with There Will Be Blood is the character of Eli and/or perhaps also the actor Paul Dano. There is something quite seriously not right with this performance. I haven't yet determined who's at fault here: the writer for screwing up the dynamic of the character, Dano for screwing up the role, the casting director for hiring Dano in the first place, or Anderson the director for simply leading him to all the wrong decisions in playing the part. I suppose I can see how it might be desirable to have someone projecting extreme calm in the face of DDay's/Plainview's intensity, but in my opinion something is forced and awkward about Eli/Dano. It's uncomfortable, which I suppose would be preferrable if the film were an allegory, but of course I don't see that it is. It seems like someone made that decision somewhere along the line but then everyone just went too far with it. The entirely of this film is grandiose and intense and just simply large--all things that should be considered not only positive but essential to its quality; however, too much of the character of Eli is merely theatrical. (Again, I'll wait until I've watched it again, but this for me is exactly the underlying problem with the ending, that all of the sudden the foundation was absent from epic story, leaving only the bombastics.)
Some other things I've been thinking about:
1. What is a New Yorker? This is more a question for a first-year resident, but for whatever reason I've found myself considering it in the last couple weeks. My automatic reaction to this meditation is that I'm still not a "New Yorker." But is that true? I'm finishing up my fifth full year living in the city, and since I can't imagine moving out of my awesome apartment after just one year, I'm guaranteed to spend not just a sixth year here but also at least half of a seventh. That's quite a commitment to a place. I've got a somewhat tenured job here that has given me a rapibly growing 401k and a not-insignificant mutual fund. I've got an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the transportation system and the geography, both street- and ground-level. I've voted in local elections, choosing candidates ranging from our current mayor to the founder of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. I've lived in three apartments in three somewhat different neighborhoods. I've seen businesses open and close and maybe I'm being presumptuous but I think at this point I can even accurately predict success or failure when a new one arrives. I've even adopted a local pro sports team (the Mets) and believe it or not, but when I find out someone like Charlie Villanueva is from the city, a curiously civic or pride-filled (perhaps also preposterous because there are 8million of us here) emotion causes me to root for him. So I guess what I'm trying to say--even though I can't stand some of the local accents, and I am still often amazed at the concentration of Irish and Jews here, and I can't bring myself to actually fold my pizza--is that maybe I've crossed the New Yorker threshhold.
2. Another line that I think I've crossed is a certain relationship line. I'm not experienced enough with this stuff to know exactly where I'm at or what's happened but I know that I was given a phone number by a rather attractive Asian girl this past weekend, and that this seemingly nondescript event made me think for two reasons. First, though I don't remember (I don't remember because it wasn't important enough to file the memories, not because I was too drunk to know what was going on) having any kind of flirty contact with this girl, apparently I was communicative enough for her to have the confidence to proffer a wholly unsolicited number. Basically, I've slipped into contented relationship mode so much that I don't even notice when an attractive chick is flirting with me, or even vice versa. The second, and personally deeper, issue is that when I realized what had happened, my reaction was not to be satisfied with myself or become arrogant or in any way emboldened, as would be the natural effect for most men. Instead, it occurred to me how happy I am where I am and how I've taken for granted the whole flirt/phone number/maybe-I'll-call-maybe-not/is-it-worth-it process of meeting people or escalating something or simply hooking up with a ho. I've taken for granted that I don't need to enter into this process and that I've already got the end result of such process, and I've got it as positively as I could imagine. So, while admittedly it can be a little exciting dipping into the lady pool, and there is a particular excitement that's possibly only at the very outset that of course I'm unable to truly recapture at this point, but it's much more pleasant to know that I don't really have to bother with all the crap that inevitably will follow. In fact, (though I'm even trying to overstate it) it would be hard to overstate the positive effect of this.
3. I don't know where it came from or how long it will last, but in the last two days I've strangely encountered a renewed desire to become a runner again. I don't know if--after immersing yourself in it as deeply as I did for several years--a person can really ever stop being a runner, but I do know that I haven't really felt like a "runner" for quite a while now. "A person who runs" is a better label. From time to time, I get serious pangs of determination relating to physical improvement. These can usually be sated through a few quality runs and a recommitment to regular gym visits. But this time it feels like a true and focused motivation for running. Though I don't know how disciplined it is, it's an excellent feeling and I'd like to see how long it will last. Rather, I'd like to see how long I can make it last. Proactivity.
4. I might make another longer post about this, but a man, acting without any consideration for other people, quite likely personally cost me at least $5,000 yesterday. That is a lot of money, enough to easily displace the displeasure I still have toward Chris Douglas-Roberts for failing to make uncontested 15foot shots and therefore costing me approximately $600. A couple missed free throws and spectacularly poorly timed act have likely conspired to make April 2008 the great month of missed financial opportunity.
5. On a lighter note, I've finally discoverd the joys of Fox Soccer Channel. I expect my Saturday and Sunday mornings/early afternoons will never be the same.
I've got a more formed opinion now of There Will Be Blood, of which I watched the first 90 minutes of again the other day. There are three things about it that are utterly extraordinary: Daniel Day-Lewis, the music, and the beautiful camera movements within virtually every scene that isn't simply static. DDay pretty much speaks for himself and unless you've been subjected to cold-war era psych treatments, his power emanates right from the first time you see him. To speak more (or really at all) on his performance is superfluous.
The music too was intensely enchanting even throughout my first viewing of the film, but I'd like to say that perhaps not enough has been made about how truly amazing it is because upon a second tour I found it often to outshine the verbal story it's woven into. I know the guy from Radiohead did it; let's hope he stays in the movie business cause he's a natural genius for it.
Finally, the camera action. This is something that I noticed initially but felt like maybe I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have, and so paid particular attention to the way Mr PT Anderson was technically delivering his images to us. I'd like to report that he did it phenomenally. through extensive movie-watching, I've come to realize that something I fundamentally love is an intelligent use of editing, or more specifically a conservative use of cuts combined with well-thought-out uses of pans and zooms between shots. Go watch some of the classics of Kurosawa for a visual course in what I'm talking about. Anderson seems to have done his homework in this regard, to the extent that several times throughout I found myself thinking about Kurosawa. He seems always to start on a general wide scene shot and drift forward or laterally across the scene so we can take everything in before finally settling on what will ultimately be important in the scene. Think of a shot where he surveys the land and the camps near the Little Boston well before finally bringing the derrick itself into the frame and zooming in, where Plainview is usually involved in the true action of the scene. Another specific example is when Eli is walking down to confront Plainview about where his church's money is. Instead of simply letting Eli walk into Plainview's frame, we follw from Eli's perspective as he walks along a pipeline and a vast lake of oil finally walking into where Plainview had been talking to some assistants. All the information that we see as Eli walks is important and stimulating. To top off this particular example, we get a beautifully framed shot with three men forming a perfect Kurosawsa-esque triangle, whose gap is of course filled by the entering Eli. This is the stuff that most people might not notice but most definitely adds to the overall experience of the film. If you are like me and do notice, then it moves everything to another level. My only nitpick is that none of this style seems very ambitious, innovative, or creative, so while it's certainly fine work, it falls quite short of being anything truly brilliant. Nonetheless, this is more argumentative and should not get in the way of your noticing the wonderful quality of this aspect of the film. So do enjoy.
(I'd like to finish off the last hour of the film again before passing a complete judgement (even though I'm quite sure the last hour will only serve to intensify my opinion), but the main problem I still have with There Will Be Blood is the character of Eli and/or perhaps also the actor Paul Dano. There is something quite seriously not right with this performance. I haven't yet determined who's at fault here: the writer for screwing up the dynamic of the character, Dano for screwing up the role, the casting director for hiring Dano in the first place, or Anderson the director for simply leading him to all the wrong decisions in playing the part. I suppose I can see how it might be desirable to have someone projecting extreme calm in the face of DDay's/Plainview's intensity, but in my opinion something is forced and awkward about Eli/Dano. It's uncomfortable, which I suppose would be preferrable if the film were an allegory, but of course I don't see that it is. It seems like someone made that decision somewhere along the line but then everyone just went too far with it. The entirely of this film is grandiose and intense and just simply large--all things that should be considered not only positive but essential to its quality; however, too much of the character of Eli is merely theatrical. (Again, I'll wait until I've watched it again, but this for me is exactly the underlying problem with the ending, that all of the sudden the foundation was absent from epic story, leaving only the bombastics.)
Some other things I've been thinking about:
1. What is a New Yorker? This is more a question for a first-year resident, but for whatever reason I've found myself considering it in the last couple weeks. My automatic reaction to this meditation is that I'm still not a "New Yorker." But is that true? I'm finishing up my fifth full year living in the city, and since I can't imagine moving out of my awesome apartment after just one year, I'm guaranteed to spend not just a sixth year here but also at least half of a seventh. That's quite a commitment to a place. I've got a somewhat tenured job here that has given me a rapibly growing 401k and a not-insignificant mutual fund. I've got an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the transportation system and the geography, both street- and ground-level. I've voted in local elections, choosing candidates ranging from our current mayor to the founder of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. I've lived in three apartments in three somewhat different neighborhoods. I've seen businesses open and close and maybe I'm being presumptuous but I think at this point I can even accurately predict success or failure when a new one arrives. I've even adopted a local pro sports team (the Mets) and believe it or not, but when I find out someone like Charlie Villanueva is from the city, a curiously civic or pride-filled (perhaps also preposterous because there are 8million of us here) emotion causes me to root for him. So I guess what I'm trying to say--even though I can't stand some of the local accents, and I am still often amazed at the concentration of Irish and Jews here, and I can't bring myself to actually fold my pizza--is that maybe I've crossed the New Yorker threshhold.
2. Another line that I think I've crossed is a certain relationship line. I'm not experienced enough with this stuff to know exactly where I'm at or what's happened but I know that I was given a phone number by a rather attractive Asian girl this past weekend, and that this seemingly nondescript event made me think for two reasons. First, though I don't remember (I don't remember because it wasn't important enough to file the memories, not because I was too drunk to know what was going on) having any kind of flirty contact with this girl, apparently I was communicative enough for her to have the confidence to proffer a wholly unsolicited number. Basically, I've slipped into contented relationship mode so much that I don't even notice when an attractive chick is flirting with me, or even vice versa. The second, and personally deeper, issue is that when I realized what had happened, my reaction was not to be satisfied with myself or become arrogant or in any way emboldened, as would be the natural effect for most men. Instead, it occurred to me how happy I am where I am and how I've taken for granted the whole flirt/phone number/maybe-I'll-call-maybe-not/is-it-worth-it process of meeting people or escalating something or simply hooking up with a ho. I've taken for granted that I don't need to enter into this process and that I've already got the end result of such process, and I've got it as positively as I could imagine. So, while admittedly it can be a little exciting dipping into the lady pool, and there is a particular excitement that's possibly only at the very outset that of course I'm unable to truly recapture at this point, but it's much more pleasant to know that I don't really have to bother with all the crap that inevitably will follow. In fact, (though I'm even trying to overstate it) it would be hard to overstate the positive effect of this.
3. I don't know where it came from or how long it will last, but in the last two days I've strangely encountered a renewed desire to become a runner again. I don't know if--after immersing yourself in it as deeply as I did for several years--a person can really ever stop being a runner, but I do know that I haven't really felt like a "runner" for quite a while now. "A person who runs" is a better label. From time to time, I get serious pangs of determination relating to physical improvement. These can usually be sated through a few quality runs and a recommitment to regular gym visits. But this time it feels like a true and focused motivation for running. Though I don't know how disciplined it is, it's an excellent feeling and I'd like to see how long it will last. Rather, I'd like to see how long I can make it last. Proactivity.
4. I might make another longer post about this, but a man, acting without any consideration for other people, quite likely personally cost me at least $5,000 yesterday. That is a lot of money, enough to easily displace the displeasure I still have toward Chris Douglas-Roberts for failing to make uncontested 15foot shots and therefore costing me approximately $600. A couple missed free throws and spectacularly poorly timed act have likely conspired to make April 2008 the great month of missed financial opportunity.
5. On a lighter note, I've finally discoverd the joys of Fox Soccer Channel. I expect my Saturday and Sunday mornings/early afternoons will never be the same.
Friday, January 4, 2008
i don't know where it's coming from, but there is a lot of energy going out of me today. i should be exhausted as a continuing byproduct of not just the move wednesday night, but also the slow process of putting the little material pieces of my life back together. though i'm feeling good--for now--so i'll take it and not ask questions.
we put together our new sectional black leather couch last night. in related news, last night was a very good night.
i now live in an apartment that makes a big sectional black leather couch look small. in related news, this year is going to be a very good year.
maybe this is unnecessarily intimate information, but my girlfriend and i are "making love" now. so big cheers to me, her, and us.
i won two more fantasy football leagues this year for a total prize of $950. i won one last year worth $1000. and i'm doing extremely well (20-9 vs the spread) so far in a bowl pool right now. i really should quit my job and devote myself full-time to fantasy sports and other sports-related gambling/contests. by my count, i've participated in 10 fantasy leagues covering 3 sports over 3 years, plus one league (basketball) that is currently in midseason. of these 10 leagues, i've won 5 and placed third in another. my total buy-ins for all 10 leagues has been $970 and my winnings have been $2725. that's a 281% return on my investment for the non-MBAs out there. if only LaDainian Tomlinson and Albert Pujols were NYSE trade-able commodities, then maybe i'd have some chance at being a successful member of society.
here's something negative now. not negativity emanating from me, but something that bothers me. we've got a middle-aged (45ish) woman working as an executive assistant here who--and i'm saving myself some adjectives here--is just pathetic, in the dictionary definition. and unfortunately, she likes me, and not in a platonic way. i'm pretty sure i'm at least an occasional subject of her sexual fantasies. let me state now for the record that this woman is as attractive as a bucket of vomit and the mere mention of this has caused my testicles to assume their natal size and position. she's fond of coming to my office and standing in the doorway while asking me to do something, which will invariably require me to get up and check it out. except she doesn't much like to move out of the doorway. she'll sorta half-turn so it's not incredibly awkward but still forces me to brush up against her to get by. i told you it's pathetic, but i'm 95% sure these little brushes are what she uses to get her rocks off later on. (now i know what some of you are thinking. and yes i do often like to joke about chicks being into me when obviously they are not, but you'll just have to trust me on this one. if i were female and she were male, what this woman does would be called sexual harassment.) she also likes to ask me to come help her with a painfully obvious problem with her printer, which just so happens to be all the way around her desk so i've got to essentially crawl over her chair to get to it. most non-perverts would just get out of their chair and let me do my work, but not this one.
so this morning as i'm stocking the fridge, standing with the door open probably about a foot back from the shelves, she comes bounding into the pantry and with no warning leans down to the lowest shelf and just shoves her whole head and shoulders in front of me to grab a bag of something. if you're wondering, yes, this put her directly in line with my crotch. and these things happen--not all the time, but as often as she can find a way.
through most of the 4.5 years i've worked here i haven't minded these silly encounters. i mean, it bothers me but not in any serious way, more like how someone tapping their finger constantly would bother someone. in some deviant ways (because i can't stand her), it almost amused me to think of what a sad human being she is to sink to these depths. and really, if someone wants to use a little folg-candy to enliven the later experience of double-clicking the mouse, then sure, i'm happy to help.
but today, and one other time in the recent past that i can't as effectively recall, i have been annoyed by it, in more than a passing or frivolous manner. i have a girlfriend now, so it irks me a bit to think she has the right to get a cheap thrill from me. this shit ain't hers to take. it's sara's. so i don't like it. so there was a lot of words on the subject, more than such a pathetic person deserves.
we put together our new sectional black leather couch last night. in related news, last night was a very good night.
i now live in an apartment that makes a big sectional black leather couch look small. in related news, this year is going to be a very good year.
maybe this is unnecessarily intimate information, but my girlfriend and i are "making love" now. so big cheers to me, her, and us.
i won two more fantasy football leagues this year for a total prize of $950. i won one last year worth $1000. and i'm doing extremely well (20-9 vs the spread) so far in a bowl pool right now. i really should quit my job and devote myself full-time to fantasy sports and other sports-related gambling/contests. by my count, i've participated in 10 fantasy leagues covering 3 sports over 3 years, plus one league (basketball) that is currently in midseason. of these 10 leagues, i've won 5 and placed third in another. my total buy-ins for all 10 leagues has been $970 and my winnings have been $2725. that's a 281% return on my investment for the non-MBAs out there. if only LaDainian Tomlinson and Albert Pujols were NYSE trade-able commodities, then maybe i'd have some chance at being a successful member of society.
here's something negative now. not negativity emanating from me, but something that bothers me. we've got a middle-aged (45ish) woman working as an executive assistant here who--and i'm saving myself some adjectives here--is just pathetic, in the dictionary definition. and unfortunately, she likes me, and not in a platonic way. i'm pretty sure i'm at least an occasional subject of her sexual fantasies. let me state now for the record that this woman is as attractive as a bucket of vomit and the mere mention of this has caused my testicles to assume their natal size and position. she's fond of coming to my office and standing in the doorway while asking me to do something, which will invariably require me to get up and check it out. except she doesn't much like to move out of the doorway. she'll sorta half-turn so it's not incredibly awkward but still forces me to brush up against her to get by. i told you it's pathetic, but i'm 95% sure these little brushes are what she uses to get her rocks off later on. (now i know what some of you are thinking. and yes i do often like to joke about chicks being into me when obviously they are not, but you'll just have to trust me on this one. if i were female and she were male, what this woman does would be called sexual harassment.) she also likes to ask me to come help her with a painfully obvious problem with her printer, which just so happens to be all the way around her desk so i've got to essentially crawl over her chair to get to it. most non-perverts would just get out of their chair and let me do my work, but not this one.
so this morning as i'm stocking the fridge, standing with the door open probably about a foot back from the shelves, she comes bounding into the pantry and with no warning leans down to the lowest shelf and just shoves her whole head and shoulders in front of me to grab a bag of something. if you're wondering, yes, this put her directly in line with my crotch. and these things happen--not all the time, but as often as she can find a way.
through most of the 4.5 years i've worked here i haven't minded these silly encounters. i mean, it bothers me but not in any serious way, more like how someone tapping their finger constantly would bother someone. in some deviant ways (because i can't stand her), it almost amused me to think of what a sad human being she is to sink to these depths. and really, if someone wants to use a little folg-candy to enliven the later experience of double-clicking the mouse, then sure, i'm happy to help.
but today, and one other time in the recent past that i can't as effectively recall, i have been annoyed by it, in more than a passing or frivolous manner. i have a girlfriend now, so it irks me a bit to think she has the right to get a cheap thrill from me. this shit ain't hers to take. it's sara's. so i don't like it. so there was a lot of words on the subject, more than such a pathetic person deserves.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
yikes it's been a long time here. been a busy little beaver, but you already know that don't you. not the last few days though, been largely unoccupied the last few days. spent quite a bit of QT with the family members, which i feel pretty good about. lots of times when i mentally prepare myself to go home, i fondly anticipate spending time with my parents and everyone, but then once i get home all i want to do is lay around and watch tv and more or less do my own thing. i prove to be much less talkative than i envision myself being. i am not sure why, but this time has been different. i've had boundless energy for my family; i have not lost interest or developed a sour attitude. so that feels good. i suppose it helps that people are rather busy around me preparing for first christmas and now my sister's wedding. it's hard to be lazy and/or introverted amidst this kind of hustle and bustle.
last night at get together at a friend's house i was innocuously asked by my friend's father how i was doing. people ask each other this question mindlessly throughout the holiday season; if you know me at all you know that these kinds of rote questions drive me insane. this time was different, however. as i was delivering my involuntary response ("i'm doing really well"), it dawned on me that, in fact, i am doing really well. this realization hit me literally as i was saying it, so that after finishing the response, i had the genuine satisfaction that accompanies the knowledge that i am doing well. i haven't taken much time to step back and analyze my ups and downs lately, but lo and behold i've come into a pretty pleasant state of being.
i can attribute this effect to a couple of causes. first--and this would deserve its own post and then some--is the continued and escalating presence of my new girlfriend sara. (i say "new girlfriend" as though i possess old girlfriends, or that i move from one to another. she is a "girlfriend," and she is "new," so try to read the phrase in that way.) but i like her and i like spending time with her, and it's only been four days since i've last seen her and i'm already eagerly anticipating her arrival here in steubenville tomorrow to accompany me to my sister's wedding. in any normal relationship, it would be a bit soon to invite a girl to a wedding, much less one involving immediate family, but with sara everything is different. everything is unencumbered by the stench of expectation or convention or any form of adherance to norms. it's hard to convey how refreshing this is.
the other thing that's got me well right now is the resolution of my housing situation, a situation that caused me much (as it turned out) unnecessary stress and consternation. the removal of any kind of stress always has an amazing effect on me, probably because i live so great a percentage of my life stress-free. but the other side of this housing resolution is that starting next week, i have a much nicer and much much bigger place to live. i've been living in small little nests for 4.5 years now, so i can't even really comprehend what it's going to be like to life comfortably again. it's rather exciting.
so, even after true and thoughtful consideration, i am doing really well right now.
i'm writing a poem to read at my sister's wedding and it's about finished. perhaps i'll share it here once i'm done.
last night at get together at a friend's house i was innocuously asked by my friend's father how i was doing. people ask each other this question mindlessly throughout the holiday season; if you know me at all you know that these kinds of rote questions drive me insane. this time was different, however. as i was delivering my involuntary response ("i'm doing really well"), it dawned on me that, in fact, i am doing really well. this realization hit me literally as i was saying it, so that after finishing the response, i had the genuine satisfaction that accompanies the knowledge that i am doing well. i haven't taken much time to step back and analyze my ups and downs lately, but lo and behold i've come into a pretty pleasant state of being.
i can attribute this effect to a couple of causes. first--and this would deserve its own post and then some--is the continued and escalating presence of my new girlfriend sara. (i say "new girlfriend" as though i possess old girlfriends, or that i move from one to another. she is a "girlfriend," and she is "new," so try to read the phrase in that way.) but i like her and i like spending time with her, and it's only been four days since i've last seen her and i'm already eagerly anticipating her arrival here in steubenville tomorrow to accompany me to my sister's wedding. in any normal relationship, it would be a bit soon to invite a girl to a wedding, much less one involving immediate family, but with sara everything is different. everything is unencumbered by the stench of expectation or convention or any form of adherance to norms. it's hard to convey how refreshing this is.
the other thing that's got me well right now is the resolution of my housing situation, a situation that caused me much (as it turned out) unnecessary stress and consternation. the removal of any kind of stress always has an amazing effect on me, probably because i live so great a percentage of my life stress-free. but the other side of this housing resolution is that starting next week, i have a much nicer and much much bigger place to live. i've been living in small little nests for 4.5 years now, so i can't even really comprehend what it's going to be like to life comfortably again. it's rather exciting.
so, even after true and thoughtful consideration, i am doing really well right now.
i'm writing a poem to read at my sister's wedding and it's about finished. perhaps i'll share it here once i'm done.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
debtless
so i'm positively erumpent with joy and therefore feel the need to share with you the news that i passed through a pretty important moment in any person's life today: i paid off the last of my student loan. that, coupled with the fact that i'm ridiculously scrupulous about carrying credit card debt, means that i have absolutely no debt right now. completely non-beholden. free. another way to look at it: if i were to die tomorrow, no one would care. i can now view with unfettered scorn that big stupid national debt calculator on sixth avenue. going forward, i will also have $200 more to spend each month, something i hadn't thought about until just now.
it's a good feeling. anomalous in these irresponsible times, especially for someone of my age. so i guess i'm "better" than most people. livin the high life.
it's a good feeling. anomalous in these irresponsible times, especially for someone of my age. so i guess i'm "better" than most people. livin the high life.
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