bleh

Boy, I am sure feeling kinda like a turd right now. Grumpity skunkity. Not physically, either. It's just a mood problem.
Sorry if this post won't have much in the way of insight. I usually try not to write simply about myself, but more about how I see and am fascinated by the world. Tonight is an Inner night, though. But although it's mostly just an homage, this blog is called "Fear and Loathing," after all, and I am certainly feeling loathing and most likely also fear.
I think it's Sara's fault. This will shortly be my seventh consecutive sleep without her, and while the advancing summer climate can make it nice to have a large bed to myself, the omniscient absence of her is far worse. Quite simply, I have lost my way.
Yesterday after brunch I just came home and did nothing. I half-napped and half wasted time with the TV and the computer. Then I continued to accomplish nothing before eating poorly and going to bed. Today I got home from work and started in on a workout. After just four sets I stopped cause I didn't feel like it anymore. I also intended to do some organizing or tidying of things in advance of Sara's return tomorrow evening, but I lost the motivation for that too. So I'm feeling quite the waste.
I used to be sporadically susceptible to a kind of internal social depression. That is a big ominous word I know but go with it. That's what my current mood is strongly hinting at. So I suppose my emotional self has now become fully dependent on Sara, enough so that only seven empty days can reduce me thusly. Maybe I will take a "mental health day" from work tomorrow. Probably not. For one thing, I'd probably just continue to sloth around and feel more for shit, though you never know, I could turn knowing I'll be seeing her at the end of tomorrow.
It makes me kinda scared to wonder what if something were to happen to her someday. I've experienced the sorrow of parting from someone loved, and I can easily say that I don't react well. And clearly, this is a different kind of love with Sara. It's fuller and more comprehensive. It's comforting in a way that I'd definitely never known, and maybe therein lies the secret to my current mood. Trusting vulnerability is an important part of loving someone, at least for me. I'm a pretty confident and independent person, so it's key to be able to cede control and let the other person often decide what's best for me--and then, more importantly, actually having her instincts in that regard always be correct.
Finding someone who's a perfect compliment to you is deconstructionist and infantilizing, to an extent. You spend most of your formative life learning how to cope with a world where no person is exactly like yourself, but then you find a person who is uniquely identical to you in all the important ways, so what other reaction is there than but to recede back into youthful simplicity.
I need that guidance back. Most importantly, I need my primary connection to humanity to return so I can feel a part of things again.