yikes it's been a long time here. been a busy little beaver, but you already know that don't you. not the last few days though, been largely unoccupied the last few days. spent quite a bit of QT with the family members, which i feel pretty good about. lots of times when i mentally prepare myself to go home, i fondly anticipate spending time with my parents and everyone, but then once i get home all i want to do is lay around and watch tv and more or less do my own thing. i prove to be much less talkative than i envision myself being. i am not sure why, but this time has been different. i've had boundless energy for my family; i have not lost interest or developed a sour attitude. so that feels good. i suppose it helps that people are rather busy around me preparing for first christmas and now my sister's wedding. it's hard to be lazy and/or introverted amidst this kind of hustle and bustle.
last night at get together at a friend's house i was innocuously asked by my friend's father how i was doing. people ask each other this question mindlessly throughout the holiday season; if you know me at all you know that these kinds of rote questions drive me insane. this time was different, however. as i was delivering my involuntary response ("i'm doing really well"), it dawned on me that, in fact, i am doing really well. this realization hit me literally as i was saying it, so that after finishing the response, i had the genuine satisfaction that accompanies the knowledge that i am doing well. i haven't taken much time to step back and analyze my ups and downs lately, but lo and behold i've come into a pretty pleasant state of being.
i can attribute this effect to a couple of causes. first--and this would deserve its own post and then some--is the continued and escalating presence of my new girlfriend sara. (i say "new girlfriend" as though i possess old girlfriends, or that i move from one to another. she is a "girlfriend," and she is "new," so try to read the phrase in that way.) but i like her and i like spending time with her, and it's only been four days since i've last seen her and i'm already eagerly anticipating her arrival here in steubenville tomorrow to accompany me to my sister's wedding. in any normal relationship, it would be a bit soon to invite a girl to a wedding, much less one involving immediate family, but with sara everything is different. everything is unencumbered by the stench of expectation or convention or any form of adherance to norms. it's hard to convey how refreshing this is.
the other thing that's got me well right now is the resolution of my housing situation, a situation that caused me much (as it turned out) unnecessary stress and consternation. the removal of any kind of stress always has an amazing effect on me, probably because i live so great a percentage of my life stress-free. but the other side of this housing resolution is that starting next week, i have a much nicer and much much bigger place to live. i've been living in small little nests for 4.5 years now, so i can't even really comprehend what it's going to be like to life comfortably again. it's rather exciting.
so, even after true and thoughtful consideration, i am doing really well right now.

i'm writing a poem to read at my sister's wedding and it's about finished. perhaps i'll share it here once i'm done.

i subscribe to New York magazine. every monday, excepting holidays or mondays after a double issue comes out, a new issue arrives in my mailbox. the first thing i do with it is go to the back sections with the art/movies/etc reviews and listings, and see if anything interesting is going on. then i like to check out the "approval matrix" and to see if there are any features worth my time. and at some point during the week i'll do the crossword, unless my brain isn't clicking very well, in which case i'll do 90% of the crossword.

anyhow, for whatever reason, i didn't find the time to do any of these things last week. there is an untouched black magazine in my apt right now with an asian woman on the cover about to kiss some toes, and there is also a new one with good old rudy giuliani on it that just arrvied yesterday.

i have been busy lately. people say that all the time, usually as an excusal. as i say it now i am wholly forthright. friday i didn't get home from work til after the bars. saturday i spent only enough time in my apt to get dressed, get a shower, and get dressed again. sunday only long enough to eat the mcdonalds that i passed out before getting to the night before, have sex, and spend 90 minutes or so at the end of the day being exhausted (more on this later). the only day from last week that i had fully to myself was thursday and i spent most of that evening shopping for a suit and doing laundry. so i have been busy lately. perhaps i will go back and skim last week's New York, perhaps not.

i have been busy because i've started seeing a girl, something that doesn't happen often. actually, counting mornings after which she or i had spent the night, i have seen her now nine consecutive days. and this doesn't bother or worry me at all. it, and she, is completely comfortable and effortless for me. these are very high compliments from me. so it's good.

a side effect of this girl (and we can now confirm it's a side effect of seeing any girl) is that i have become moody. not violently so, but still very susceptible to sudden swings in mood. what's good is that i have recognized this quite early and so shouldn't be doomed to suffer because of it.

now, back to the aforementioned 90 minutes which finished off my sunday night. (warning this is an admission that shouldn't possibly be misconstrued as endering or anything above that which might cause you to mournfully shake your head at me the next time you see me.) after a long day of beer consumption and football watching, i returned to my apartment--team victorious--to what i expected to be a satisfying glass of water before heading off to beer-assisted sleep. what i didn't count on was my turning on the tv and flipping around the 7-8 channels i get before stopping on an episode of sex and the city. of course i became engrossed and watched the entire episode. now let it be known that my eyelids because dry and very heavy and yet the allure of the show kept me from submitting to sleep. now let it also be known that this particular episode was one i had already viewed in its entirety. yes ineed. and also that another episode immediately followed on what i think was cw11, and that of course i stayed up and watched all of that one too, and that--yes it gets worse--the second episode that i forced myself to stay up for was also one i had seen before.

i don't have any analysis for you at this time. i'm not sure it can be intelligently considered. it's a classic case of "it is what it is."

i am what i am