Let's Face It, Holidays Are Stupid

yeah you read that right. obviously i can enjoy a day off as much as anyone, but you've got to admit that taking a day off to celebrate christopher columbus' discovery of the new world over 500 years ago is just ridiculous. to make this even more absurd, venezuela celebrates the same occasion as the "day of indigenous resistance."
what's got this on my mind is someone here at work was asking for my assitance with his halloween costume. for a long time, i always considered halloween to the be dumbest and most contrived of the largely-observed holidays in this country. then i moved to new york, a place where no holiday is too small to celebrate (witness the puerto rican day parade or the rainbow of colors commemorating who knows what at the top of the empire state building). naturally, my participation in the halloween holiday became much more broad and looked-forward-to, but that's probably just because i'm an alcoholic.
anyway, right now--this year, i guess--i'm back to thinking halloween is stupid. but just how stupid? well, let's see where it ranks of 12 holidays i arbitrarily selected for their american popular impact (rankings however are all mine: biases definitely included):

1. thanksgiving. let's be honest, this one is just my favorite. it's not as big as christmas, it's not as relevant as independence day, and it's not even as nicely timed as memorial day, but let us count the ways it's great: turkey, football, that nice lull before "the holidays," binge eating, and friends but not necessarily family. this last factor is important. it's like what christmas would be without frills or obligations. compare to: me--what less awesome people would be without frills or obligations.
2. christmas. i hate it for all the same reasons you do, but it's christmas for christ's sake.
3. memorial day. this one barely beats #4. it's main strengths are just too strong: it is celebrated at basically the perfect time of year (labor day is similar sure, but by that time you're fed up with 80degree weather), and perhaps most importantly, it falls at the end of a pretty long holiday gap: the nearest day before it that a large amount of business close for is in mid-february. also, it pretty tactfully celebrates soldiers, and even a cynic like me can respect that every once in a while.
4. new year's day. this one is interesting. for one, it's more well-known for it's eve. for another, it would be much much more revered if it were situated a month later in the calendar. as it stands, it comprises the last gasps of "the holidays," and it's hangover lingers like a naive one night stand. it's the one night in the entire year when unbridled partying is not only expected but encouraged, for everyone. and you get to watch boatloads of college football games the next day.
5. halloween. here is where my nycitude gets me. not so much that it elevated this holiday, but that it sucks the life out of others. in a lot of ways, this day ranks #2 on the party-like-mad scale, and that's good. it's also just plain stupid. costumes? are you kidding me? pumpkins? ghosts? still, the main reason it sits so high on this list is that it gives people a good excuse to have fun and maybe let loose more than they normally would, which is only good.
6. independence day. call me unpatriotic, call me a commie, call me whatever you like. the fourth of july just aint what it used to be. consider: you get off work july 4, yet you also celebrate the evening of july 4. the key day off here is july 5. of course this will change as i get older and less alcoholic, but for now i'm just not seeing the logic. add to this the fact that it's uncomfortably hot by this time of year and you can't really set off fireworks in the city, and you don't have much left. (*big asterisk here--my ohio memories are keeping this one pretty high on the list. columbus in its infinite wisdom celebrates independence day on the evening of the 3rd. and fireworks are legal in west virginia.)
7. labor day. this and memorial day are like bookends for most people. i think it's like the difference between the first and last days of school when you're a kid. also, this holiday is centered around being outside and grilling, something infinitely harder in the concrete jungle. it is in a convenient spot on the calendar though, and frankly we're running out of servicable holidays at #7 already. told you they were stupid.
8. st patrick's day. a little piece of me just died. this holiday is completely repulsive in some ways, far moreso here in the c of ny. i can't even explain the filth of it; you've got to see for yourself. however (and that's a big "however"), the current incarnation of this holiday is 99% about drinking, specifically about drinking guinness. maybe if i had a little irish in me, or if i were a cop, or a douchebag, i'd rank this one higher. alas you never get off work for it.
9. columbus day/president's day/veteran's day. at this point in my life these are all the same: utterly nondescript unless we're getting a day off for work. i'd feel bad for veteran's day until you remember that it is actually "armistice" day and celebrates a peace but a peace that in a roundabout way kind caused the biggest war ever. it's almost irony and almost hypocrisy to celebrate that.
10. mother's/father's day. i love my mom and dad. you probably love your mom and dad. but can we all just stop the fuss and recognize these were invented just to sell cards? there's dirty, filthy capitalism, and then there's that.
11. martin luther king day. this is standing for all those holidays that are terribly important to some people but meaningless to others (there is probably a michael collins day in ireland, a castro day in cuba, a dean martin day in steubenville (oh, wait)). these aren't really holidays and shouldn't be considered such but rank higher than many legitimate ones because they do in fact mean something to some people.
12. valentine's day. i could give you a couple thousand words on why this is awful but i'll spare you that and instead direct you to #10 and additionally posit that if you need a holiday to make you do nice things for someone, or if you use a holiday to misplace agnst towards someone, then there is something dreadfully wrong. it's love. it's not hard. you feel it and you go with it. it doesn't require a calendar.
13. any religious holiday. you could say i'm not being fair here (or worse), that these should be lumped in with #11. you'd be right, except that most of the people who celebrate those in #11 aren't aloof or condescending about it. again, there is more to say, i'm just not going to say it. what i will say is that this includes easter, which once upon a time was probably one of the top 5 most-anticipated days of the year for me.

now i don't know about you, but i think hamsgiving would have to rank somewhere between #3 and #7. and it's only one year old. and we invented it, like festivus. congratulations us.