a (drinking) game

just about two and half months from now, the final die will have been cast. after an exhausting, eight-plus year run of underachievement, drunkenness, sloth, and general aimless drifting, i finally will have fully metamorphosed into the black sheep of the family.
on december 29, 2008 my younger sister is getting married. she is two and half years younger and blessed with appreciably fewer IQ points than me. she already has a house with a yard and a dog and a career plan. i have a sun-less, mice-infested 175 square feet and little office cubicle and a job that can best be described in the word "subordinate." and now she's getting married, in ohio, a place where that sort of thing is terribly important. meanwhile, in decadent new york, a place where nothing is ever romantically or non-materially significant, i'm glad that a certain someone whom i foolishly slept with will be out of town for a couple months thereby dissolving me of any need to interact with this person.
it wasn't always this way, of course. eight years ago i was in high school and was more or less effotlessly good at everything: academic, athletic, interpersonal. i didn't smoke, didn't drink, my flesh was pure, and i even went to church basically every sunday. i spent a lot of time being patted on the back. and my sister--my wonderful sister--without all of my obvious advantages, just sat there and watched all of this, and actually worked with her studies, and actually had to put some effort into her athletic pursuits, and sometimes went to parties where kids drank, and asked my parents for birth control and otherwise lived life like a relatively normal person of that age.
so now of course, like any normal person of her age, in her midwestern environment, she's getting married. and no, mom, though i'm mortified by your state's amendment against same-sex marriage, i am not, in fact, gay. i'm just a little fish in a big pond, trying to amuse myself, trying to stay moving so i don't die, and that's pretty much it.

but no, that's not it. this was meant to be a very upbeat, if ironic, post. because i've got my own set of pros and cons, my own ideas about success and happiness. i like to take it easy. i like to laugh about things. i like to make fun of people when they aren't aware of it. i like to have a few drinks. i like to not take things so seriously. and that's why, over two months in advance, i'm setting up a little drinking game for myself for this wedding reception. rules follow.

1. take one drink of beer anytime someone asks how i like new york.
2. take two drinks of beer anytime someone asks how long before i move back to ohio.
3. take three drinks of beer anytime someone remarks how they couldn't take living in a big city like that.
4. finish whatever's left of beer anytime someone asks if i'm worried about the eye-rack-ees.
5. take two shots of soco anytime someone asks how i manage to get along with all the minorities.
6. smile and do nothing anytime someone asks "what's it feels like for your little sister to get married before you."
7. smile and rip a nasty lingering fart anytime someone says "come on, there's got to be someone out there for you."
8. voraciously chug beer anytime someone says "whatever happened with that girl--what was her name--jocelyn, something?"
9. take one drink of beer anytime someone asks about the ohio state football team.
10. punch him in the face anytime my cousin from michigan says anything about them ruining our perfect season this year.
11. force smile, take shot of jameson, then look for another conversation anytime someone asks if i'm still running.
12. throw up in mouth anytime my mother says anything related to going back to school.
13. chug one glass of champagne, smash the glass against the floor, and say "quite clearly," anytime someone asks if i'm still writing.
14. raise entire punch bowl over head and pour over same anytime someone says "yeah, she was real nice. what was her name? blonde girl, cute, you met her at ohio state. what was her name? i thought you were going to move back to ohio?"
15. finish drink anytime someone asks if i'll enjoy being an uncle.
16. finish drink and ask bartender if they have mountain dew on hand anytime someone asks when i'm going to write the next great american novel.
17. take shot of wild turkey and then feign choking anytime i am sucked into any conversation involving the words: hillary, obama, abortion, god, bin laden, values, iraq, or taxes.
18. grab nearest champagne bottle and chug anytime someone asks where my date is.
19. smash champagne bottle and slit throat if the person follows up with "well, who was that one girl you were with, kinda quiet, whatever happened to her?"
20. say "you know, i think i might try homosexuality actually," when my mother absolutely insists i get my butt into the crowd of d-bags waiting to catch the garter belt.
21. take one tequila shot anytime a much younger girl catches me perving on her.
22. finish drink anytime someone randomly congratulates me.
23. take three drinks anytime someone calls me by my father's name.
24. lie down homer simpson-style under open beer tap and say "it's hard to say" anytime someone asks how many drinks i've had.
25. shit my pants anytime someone asks where my wife is.