A Shift

According to the questionable accuracy of the due date, we're now just over two weeks from the big day. A week ago, Sara passed the milestone of officially being "full-term," which means that she could deliver the baby and it wouldn't have any premature complications. It's important in that it's the final prenatal hurdle to clear; the only things that could go wrong now are only related to the birth process itself. For someone like me, who tries very hard to keep my focus only on the things happening now that can be controlled, finally getting to a point of simply waiting is nice. For a few months, it was the constant and helpless fear of a miscarriage, along with the need for Sara to be extremely careful with basically everything she did. Then there were doctor visits and the accompanying tests, holding your breath waiting for the results to see if the baby would be born with all manner of diseases, disorders, or syndromes. Finally the much more unlikely prospect that the baby would come premature, with its attendant worries. Those are all passed now. And yet we wait more, now mostly clueless about when it will happen. We rewatched parts of the childbirth class DVD, the parts about going into labor, to refamiliarize ourselves with dropping, passing the mucus plug, effacement, breaking water, weight stabilization or even loss, dilation, and the change from Braxton-Hicks into legitimate contractions. I am confident that we will know when the big show has started in earnest, and when we need to remain patient. For now I try to remain patient.

Yesterday morning before going in to work I accompanied Sara to her weekly doctor appointment, this one with our primary obstetrician. For the first time ever I left with a palpable sense that it was actually going to happen, and soon. Sara had lost two pounds since the previous week, and three pounds in the last three weeks total. The doctor felt around quite a bit and estimated that the fetus was something around 6.5 to 7 pounds, which is almost exactly average as a final birth weight. She also took much more time in explaining to us all of the details of going to the hospital and even the prospect of having to be induced if the fetus proves stubborn. One thing that I can say is that through many of the earlier visits, the doctors will seem to answer questions on auto-pilot, not really investing themselves or sharing in the excitement of the patients, but now that we are so close, our doctor finally met us on totally equal emotional ground. This intensity was a little jarring to me. Now I finally feel the reality of what's going to happen. I understand what it's all about. Unfortunately I can't explain it quite yet, but perhaps afterward.
Going to work after all of this yesterday morning was difficult. I found it basically impossible to insert myself into the happenings of the office or even simply my own personal routines. I couldn't make sense of the business of my job compared to the active time bomb that was sitting inside my wife back at home.
Probably the fact that Monday was Sara's first weekday off for the summer magnified the sensation, but I had an extremely strong urge to be with her, and not actually to be with her to talk or whatever else but simply to be there, like standing guard. That seemed like my real job. I'm sure this will only get much much stronger after we have the baby. Here I have a wife who is more or less just sitting at home the next few weeks (?) waiting for amazing. She is not at all helpless but she is in a reduced state of ability and an increased state of discomfort. Rather like an honestly sick person. If you've ever had a wife or similarly important person to you come down with a sickness that forces her home from work, you might understand the feeling a little. You spend most of the day thinking of the little things you can do when you get home in the evening to make her feel better. It's very distracting, but a sick person is merely sick; what keeps her home is the end. A pregnant person is a prelude to something else. A pregnant person is basically the walking embodiment of empathy and anxiety.

June 15. I think I will try to forget about the possibility of Sara going into labor until at least the next doctor visit, which is June 23. At that point it would be very likely to happen within two weeks, and I can handle two weeks of being on edge. Three-plus weeks is asking a bit much.