The Empty Office

1. This has been a special week. At least twice I've been able to pull of the subway double, when I'm not required to touch anything in the train during either my morning or evening commute. Of this is because the trains are empty and only saps like me have to go in, but still it's a nice feeling walking out of the station in the evening knowing I never had to take my hands out of my pockets.
2. One reason I enjoy #1 is that I don't like to wash my hands any more than necessary in the winter. Hands get dried up bad enough in cold weather, so I don't need constant wet-dry exchanges to add to the problem. Another reason this has been a special week is work. It's been me and about 6 other people every day this week, so I haven't encountered much traffic in the restrooms. Which of course means that I am free to use my own discretion with hand-washing after. Which of course means that usually I won't do it.* I think an impossibly perfect day would be combining the subway double with not having to wash my hands at work at any time. This would be herculean, because I drink lots of water during the day and urinate at least 4-5 times at work every day. It should be noted now that I do feel obliged to wash my hands at work from time to time. I stock the pantries every morning and my conscience does require that I wash up before touching other people's cups, straws, juice bottles, etc. But again, this week has been different and I've only had to do mild restocking twice. Both times occurred first thing in the morning and since I haven't been strap-hanging, I haven't had to wash my hands before doing it. The emptiness of the office hasn't forced me to go back to the pantries later in the day.
3. The last awesome thing about the office being empty is that I'm free to just let fly with the farts. Normally, I restrict my cheese-cutting to a couple infrequently-used locations on our floor, a small supply closet and the freight elevator area. I will never--as long as I can control it--drop ass in the hallways. Never except for this week. Quite the little moment of freedom to let one go as I please.


* I've covered this before, but I've had a longstanding curiosity with automatic hand-washing after peeing. Especially in the winter, my genital region is always cleaner than my hands. The joke I used to use is that I ought to be washing my balls after peeing cause they came into contact with my hands. It was brought to my attention some time ago by a person who'd heard my opinions that the comedian Patton Oswalt did a bit pretty much exactly like what I said. On a similar note, Paul Scheer's character used the word "sucktard" on an episode of "The League" this fall. I should absolutely be receiving royalties checks.