Hamsgiving 2009

A Tragicomedy, in Five Acts

Dramatis Personae:
Lord Folg
Dave
Prince Drew
Devon
Fool
Sir Hudik
Hamsgiving Witch
Chad
He Who Shall Not Be Named
King (not an actual King)
BigFoot
Lady BigFoot
Sevendust
Lady Folg
Rosencrantz
Guildenstern
Frogs
Assorted Fans and Attendents


Act One, Scene One -- Park Slope McDonalds
Enter Lord Folg and Dave
DAVE: I can't wait to eat meat.
FOLG: Me too.
DAVE: Hey how do you order the nuggets and it's cheaper than when I do?
FOLG: Because McDs is stupid and lets you buy 5 four-piece nuggets for $1 each, while charging $6-something for a twenty-piece.
DAVE: You're so wonderful, Lord Folg. I'm only going to eat 12 though.
FOLG: Rubbish!
Exeunt

Act One, Scene Two -- The Pig Castle
[Flourish] Enter Sir Hudik, Lord Folg, and Dave
SIR HUDIK: Sorry I'm such a loser. Welcome to the Pig Castle. We have Rock Band.
DAVE: Yeah!
FOLG: I've got a deep fryer. And ribs and gin. Please bring me Mtn Dew.
SIR HUDIK: Haven't got any yet. I'm going to the store to get stuff. Mind the Castle.
Exit Hudik
DAVE: Rock Band!
FOLG: Ok Dick, let's do this then.
DAVE: God, you're terrible at this.
FOLG: No shit, you were there when I had to leave the room because I couldn't clap straight, right?
Enter Chad and Lady Chad
CHAD: Sweet. Rock Band.
LADY CHAD: Sorry Chad is such a loser. We have a Jive Turkey.
CHAD: Damn, Folg, you fucking suck at that.
FOLG: Yeah, I'm done. Have fun. I can't even hit the drum things, let alone the right ones at the right time. Where's my Mtn Dew.
DAVE: He wasn't even trying with the kick drum.
Exeunt

Act One, Scene Three -- location as before
Enter BigFoot, Lady BigFoot, and Attendants
DAVE: Hey! I'm a rockstar!
CHAD: This game should have dance moves.
BIGFOOT: Have a look at this thick-ass slab bacon. I'm gonna cook it now. Why the hell is the grill not going yet?
FOLG: Mini-fail. Hudik is coming back and we're going to have a fire under the grill so everything stays warm. It's kinda genius. I'm going to go clean it off to get ready.
Exit FOLG
BIGFOOT (aside): Man, I wish I were more like Lord Folg.
Enter Prince Drew and Devon
PRINCE: Ham's here. Give us an hour and it will make love to your mouths.
DAVE: Do you have the shirts?
DEVON: Yeah, I need to iron them on here still though.
DAVE: Yes! That's almost as cool as Rock Band.
CHAD: Easy there.
Enter Sir Hudik
SIR HUDIK: Assholes. It's fucking cold. Who wants sausage and meatballs?
BIGFOOT: This bacon is delicious.
Enter Fool
CHAD: Hey you actually brought something, that's weird.
FOOL: Fuck yourself. Get a load of what's in this bag.
All follow Fool into kitchen
DAVE: It's two headless frogs! Look how big they are!
BIGFOOT: What's in the other bag?
FOOL: Feast your eyes on these three.
PRINCE: Damnit, they're alive!
ALL: Fuckin-a.
FOOL: I'm putting them in the bathtub.
Exit Fool
DAVE: That's the greatest thing I've ever seen.
CHAD: I think that's a Hamsgiving miracle.
SIR HUDIK: Not for long they won't be.
Exeunt

Act Two, Scene One -- Outside the Pig Castle
Enter Lord Folg, Sir Hudik, Fool, and Dave
DAVE: She said we shouldn't burn treated wood.
FOLG: Fuck it, we'll let it burn off, let's fill it up. How do you think we'll kill the frogs?
Enter Prince Drew and Chad
FOOL: I watched the Chinese guys in the back of the store do it. Just behead them and skin them.
PRINCE: Just cut their heads off in one solid whack.
CHAD: Those things don't have a separate head.
FOLG: You are a jackass.
FOOL: No, I mean, it will be nothing. How freaking awesome am I?
SIR HUDIK: Yeah, this sounds really well thought-out.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
GUILDENSTERN: We'll take the frogs to Englad and see that they're killed properly.
CHAD: Who the hell are these dillweeds?
ROSENCRANTZ: Eh.
Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
PRINCE: I'll do it no problem. Just cut off their heads, how hard is it?
SIR HUDIK: We'll see you do it then. What's that smell?
FOLG: Just poisonous gas. When it burns off we'll cook over it. Where is my Mtn Dew?
SIR HUDIK: Yeah, I forgot.
FOLG: How in the fuck am I supposed to celebrate Hamsgiving without Mtn Dew? You may as well stick a veggie dog in my mouth with this shit.
FOOL: Some of those veggie dogs they make are pretty good.
Exeunt

Act Two, Scene Two -- The Folg Castle
Enter Lady Folg and Attendant
ATTENDANT: The meat for your Hamsgiving dish, m'lady.
LADY FOLG (aside): I'thanks. Should that they are sim'larly mistook.
ATTENDANT: How shall you prepare?
LADY FOLG: With love, (aside) and deceit.
ATTENDANT: Methinks we'll be a winner with this dish.
LADY FOLG: Indeed. (Aside) If there be a prize for the best
Vegetarian dish at this party,
Then the fake meats in this fine casserole
Shall easily prevail, uncontested.
Exeunt

Act Two, Scene Three -- Inside the Pig Castle
Enter Dave, Prince Drew, He Who Shall Not Be Named, and King (Not An Actual King)
DAVE: Look who it is, and they've got a giant bottle of Jack!
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED: I'll tell you what. I tell a lot of people what.
KING (NOT AN ACTUAL KING): Who wants to drink?
DAVE: We have live frogs, check em out in the bathroom.
ALL: Sweet.
Enter Hamsgiving Witch
WITCH: Hey guys where's all the meat?
PRINCE: You mean currently living or currently dead? Cause we've got both.
KING (NOT AN ACTUAL KING): That's some nice toad. Let's have a Rock Band sing-off, bitch.
WITCH: Where are the live animals?
DAVE: Shower.
WITCH: You're kidding me.
Exit Hamsgiving Witch
Enter Lord Folg
FOLG: Do any of you assholes have my Mtn Dew?
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED: Hey........hey.............I bet you wish you had some Mtn Dew.......................No, actually I don't have any. Sorry.
Enter Hamsgiving Witch
WITCH: Good god, there are three giant frogs in my shower.
DAVE: Let's eat some meat.
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED: You know, no one is going to get most of the stuff you're saying right now.
FOLG: Shhh. I don't care.
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED: Just don't say my name anymore.
Exeunt

Act Two, Scene Four -- Outside the Pig Castle
Enter Sevendust
SEVENDUST: Goddamnit, what is that horrible smell? Do I hear glass bottles over there? What.................that son of a bitch called my ho a ho. I'm gonna kick his ass.
Exit

Act Three, Scene One -- Pig Castle Shower
Enter Frogs
FIRST FROG: Man, aint this some shit.
SECOND FROG: That fuckin fool think he's gonna kill us.
FIRST FROG: Goddamn Chinaman already got those two.
THIRD FROG: I'm kinda scared.
FIRST FROG: Fuck you, you little bitch! Don't watch your ass, I'll fucking eat you.
SECOND FROG: I ate a dude's leg once. It was pretty good, actually. Didn't care for the sauce.
THIRD FROG: Leave me alone!
Exeunt

Act Four, Scene One -- Inside the Pig Castle
Enter Lady Folg, Attendant, Sir Hudik, Chad, and Prince Drew
LADY FOLG: Hello Everyone! I have some goodies.
SIR HUDIK: Awesome. We're getting quite a lot of all of a sudden. Like four different kinds of meatballs already.
PRINCE: That ham was delicious.
SIR HUDIK: What are you going to eat? We haven't got any veggie-friendly stuff of course.
LADY FOLG: Oh, I brought some simple fish for myself.
Nothing vegetarian. I'm keeping
To the dead beasts rule, good thing I eat fish.
This other dish is for you guys. Don't worry,
It's made of nothing but meat. (Aside) Ha-ha-ha!
Enter Lord Folg
FOLG: What did you bring babe? I'm about to start my ribs. You bring me Mtn Dew?
LADY FOLG: No, sorry.
Enter Dave
DAVE: I've got your damn Mtn Dew. And real wood. Let's start forgetting stuff. It's packed in here.
FOLG: It's about time. Speaking of that, let's get some of these rookies a meat sweats shot.
Exeunt

Act Four, Scene Two
Enter King (Not An Actual King), Dave, Prince Drew, Devon, and Lord Folg
DEVON: Tshirts ready in a minute.
DAVE: Yeah!
DEVON: Oh shit. I fucked it up. Wow.
DAVE: Ha! It's backwards! She ironed it on, so it's backwards!
FOLG: What! That's freaking hilarious!
PRINCE: Well I still think it looks good.
DAVE: I'm wearing mine for sure.
FOLG: Write FAIL on mine. That's perfect.
KING (NOT AN ACTUAL KING): Hamsgiving Fail! Woo!
PRINCE: Damn, you've been drinking out of that whiskey bottle an awful lot, there bud.
KING (NOT AN ACTUAL KING): Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man!
DAVE: Perfect.
Exeunt

Act Four, Scene Three -- On the Road to the Pig Castle
Enter Hamsgiving Witch and Attendant
WITCH: Fucking idiots. No way I was going to let them butcher these frogs.
ATTENDANT: I thought they were going to cut them?
WITCH: With what? No way our knives could do the job. I'd let them do it if they could kill them humanely.
ATTENDANT:.............uh.........but they're frogs.
WITCH: They'll find a good home at the pet store.
ATTENDANT: Sure they will.
WITCH: What did you say?
ATTENDANT: Um, I said "Sure they will."
WITCH: But you said it sarcasitcally.
ATTENDANT: No, Ms Witch. You are right, as always. (Aside) Damnit, I should remember to signal for an aside before I say stuff like that.
Exeunt

Act Four, Scene Four -- Outside the Pig Castle
Enter Lord Folg
FOLG: Why in the hell did I burn these ribs so bad? I'm a freaking idiot. Too much gin.
Enter Fool, Sir Hudik, and Dave
DAVE: Somebody took the frogs!
FOOL: They're not in the shower!
FOLG: What happened? The dead ones too?
SIR HUDIK: No the dead ones are still there. Live ones disappeared.
DAVE: This will ruin Hamsgiving!
SIR HUDIK: Have you gotten drunk and gorged on meat all day?
DAVE: Yeah.
SIR HUDIK: Then I think you'll be fine.
FOOL: We don't have anything live now.
DAVE: There is a totally awesome pig made out of sausage, bacon, and a foot long hot dog, though. And a chicken stuffed with about eight different meats.
SIR HUDIK: And a person dressed up as a sausage.
DAVE: And King is passed out like a dead person from all the Jack.
FOLG: He wins the Sean Smith Memorial Award.
DAVE: Let's go do some meat sweats and forget about the frogs.
FOLG: We still have a deep fryer so we can eat the dead ones at least.
FOOL: But I wanted to kill a frog!
SIR HUDIK: Dude you were starting to turn white a couple hours ago just thinking about it.
FOOL: Nuh-uh!
Exeunt

Act Five, Scene One -- Inside the Pig Castle
Enter Lady Folg and Lord Folg
LADY FOLG: So did you like my meat today?
FOLG: Yeah, sure. Had a few too many beans I think.
LADY FOLG: It was good though?
FOLG: Why?
LADY FOLG: Shhh. It was all veggie meat substitute.
FOLG: (horror)
LADY FOLG: Heeheehee.
Lord Folg thinks about stabbing Lady Folg with a used rib bone, and then killing himself with it, but vomits all over the place instead.
Exeunt

Act Five, Scene Two -- Inside the Pig Castle
Enter Chad, Dave, Prince Drew, He Who Shall Not Be Named, and Lord Folg
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED: (laughing)
CHAD: Should we try to wake up King?
DAVE: Good luck, he's out cold.
PRINCE: That was a lot of fucking pork.
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED: (giggles)
FOLG: Too bad King drank all the whiskey, I'm in the mood for another meat sweats.
CHAD: Dickhead.
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED: (laughs)
Exeunt

Act Five, Scene Three -- Outside the Pig Castle
Enter Sir Hudik, Dave, and Lord Folg
FOLG: Hey let's throw some shit around and yell!
SIR HUDIK: Why?
FOLG: Cause we're hammered and invented a holiday!
DAVE: Meat rage!
Enter Sevendust
SEVENDUST: You motherfuckers! Shut the hell up! It's 11PM on a Saturday, you should be in bed thinking about lame-ass late-90s metal bands!
SIR HUDIK: Whoa!
SEVENDUST: I'm gonna kick you asses! Meet me in front of the house!
Exit Sevendust
FOLG: No, I don't think so.
DAVE: Let's go drink some more of the vodka chili.
Exeunt

The End