Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Stress and Irritability and Marriage

When I went out to get lunch today I encountered a giant asshole trying to hail a cab. I mean like how people do it on TV, running toward the street and screaming "Taxi!" over and over. No one actually does it like that in real life, not even when they are in a big hurry. But this guy was different. He came bowling around the corner toward Park Ave, with his fat ass and big black jacket and flowing brown scarf, all big-faced and jowly with longish wavy hair slicked straight backward, like an asshole. He was maybe 50 and was also dragging one of those suitcase-on-wheels that assholes use in midtown to display to the world extreme pride either in their own laziness or their ability to acquire worthless and frivolous items. On top of everything, the two cabs that he was soliciting from 30 feet away were both very clearly about to be occupied by other more timely and discreet individuals.
As I saw this sorry scene develop, a real rage built up inside me very quickly and I had a sudden fantasy of picking up my walking speed and ramming the fuck into the guy's chest like a linebacker, just laying him out and watching his crap go sprawling while the crowded sidewalk full of people mocked him. I even had to physically bite my tongue to suppress the violent urge, something that I find myself doing every now and again.
So my question then is have I become a more stressful person? I don't remember ever really having to bite my tongue as a way of diffusing frustration. Is it possible that my lifestyle has finally gotten to be stressful? My disposition for all of my life has included the least amount of stress that I think any person has ever felt. I'm extremely reserved and patient and generally unconcerned of all outside stimuli. I always assumed that this was just a permanent character trait, something that I was born with, so that the idea that this might be slowly changing is interesting to me.
I think a general assumption would be that, if anything, a person's stress levels would decrease as he ages as he becomes more confident in himself, settled in his life, and generally wiser or more experienced. Maybe that is true in a linear sense, but from a little personal experience I can add to this, such that maybe the stress level through life is more of a bell curve.
Now that I am positively married I share most of my life with a reasonable person, which over time reinforces itself so that more and more I have interactions with a like-minded person (my wife). Also this thing called love will cause her to perhaps agree with me more often than normal. The effect that this seems to slowly produce with me is that I don't have as much patience with things or people that I find to be irrational or sociopathic. In addition, the amount of time I have to share with the world around me has been greatly reduced due to the added time I spend with my wife. This means that I'm much less patient with a person who I feel might be wasting my time, and can add to my irritability. Any enemy of logic has more often become a real enemy of me, instead of just a curiosity or a source of amusement.
I guess what I'm saying is that it seems that marriage has indirectly caused me to be a more stressful person.

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