I have some kind of an imbalance that predisposes me to gaining weight, at least later in life. No I am not talking about genetics and my dad's 5'9" 225lb frame. I'm talking about my neverending desire for efficiency, in any situation.
I've been trying to eat a little healthier and get in better general shape lately. The workouts and such have been a slight success so far, and I've managed to cut down on the bad foods a little bit, but the problem I continue to unconsciously have is portion size. I eat like an orphan, like I don't know when my next meal will be. When I'm standing over the stove, looking into a pot of boiling water, mentally deciding how much pasta to put in, the only thing I'm thinking is: don't have not enough. Too much is ok, but for some reason I feel like it would be a grave tragedy to have just a little bit less than I need, that the missing 150 calories would kill me. And then after I've invariably made too much (but not quite enough to set aside a full leftover portion I could take to work for lunch), instead of saving the remainder for a side to eat the next day, I will pile it on my plate just to ensure nothing goes to waste.(1)
So anyway, I was sitting at a diner on Saturday afternoon looking through the wondrously massive menu and facing a quandry. The breadth of options and combinations was making it very difficult for me to decide just what was the most amount of food I could get for the least amount of money.(2)
When I'm at a diner I've never been to before, I like to order a turkey club with fries, and if I'm feeling frisky a bowl of soup, just to see what kind of establishment I'm dealing with, and also because I like all of those things. Well, since my trip to Baltimore/Philadelphia, this time I was guaranteed to get the mozzarella sticks,(3) but in addition to that, the Apollo Diner on Livingston Street had a turkey club with fries, pickle, and slaw for I think $9.69. So I was all set to get those two things, but then I noticed that they also have a philly cheesesteak with fries and a cup of soup for $10. I'd sacrifice the pickle and slaw but also get a cup of soup for just a small amount more. So then I started thinking I ought to get the turkey club as planned and then just add a whole bowl of soup, because a cup of soup is really small and you need a bowl if you really give a damn about value. In rationalizing this decision I reminded myself that while a cheesesteak is certainly delicious, it's actually a little smaller than the turkey clubs you get at diners, and my wife interrupted by being reasonable and reminding me I'd have plenty of cheese in the mozzarella sticks. True enough. I'd have plenty of everything, in fact, and that's the whole point of this. What kind of a human being ever needs to come close to clearing his plate of turkey club and fries, let alone a whole order of cheese sticks, to say nothing of an entire bowl of soup? At 2:00 in the afternoon, probably half of the turkey club and just a handful of fries would be appropriate. But then you'd have half a sandwich of waste, and not get the goodness of the cheese sticks.
My brain looks at a restaurant menu like it would a Sam's Club store. It's rarely ever taste or desire that guides my order, but the opportunity for a deal. Why buy three 24oz bottles of ketchup for the same price as one 128oz tub? Why buy two six-piece chicken mcnuggets for the same price as one 20-piece? The 500+ calories contained in the extra eight nuggets is just the delicious side effect of my successful efficiency, at least until I get on the wrong side of 30, when it will become a delicious fat effect.
1. I remember my dad used to be the same way about not letting food go to waste, and I used to passively fight him on it all the time. I hated leftovers, and I had an irrational fear of food being spoiled. But most of all I had (and of course still have) a literally unhealthy love of potato chips. I loved them so much that I hated to eat even remotely stale or smashed up or otherwise imperfect chips. And so I was always opening a new bag before the old bag was totally empty. This drove him nuts, naturally. The point is, I better start pre-conditioning myself toward compassion and understanding right now because I will probably end up seriously abusing any wasteful kids I'm destined to have.
2. This little game leads me to mistakes like the one I committed Friday night on the way home, when I ordered both a large fry and two Big Bufords, because the Bufords were 2 for $6, or something like $4 for one. For just $2 extra I could have a whole extra sandwich? Yes. But not so good directly before sleeping.
3. Seriously, how good are mozzarella sticks? Does it count as a guilty pleasure, just eating fried cheese? And am I wrong, or does it seem that this mighty appetizer has unfairly gotten labeled as a mere kid food?
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